I have come to believe that there is something about me that makes me isolate myself. I don’t know what that is or I would try to fix it. I think in general people like me but somehow perceive that I would rather be alone. Maybe that is from being alone for so many years, I don’t have the answer. I do not want to appear clingy and pursue trying to be included. I guess there is a fine line that I end up on the wrong side of.
I am not having an urge in any way shape or form but I would really like to go to the casino today. Today would have been one of those perfect days. Sun shinning, nothing else planned for the day and I could be alone but have something to do. Drink a couple beers, have a little thrill. Reminding myself that those days are long gone, that they will never be that way again hurts.
Someone at the conference said they entered a raffle, no wager at all, but he had to reset his "clean" date because he gambled. Is recovery that fragile? Are the rules that strict? Thats a standard that I wasn’t prepared for. I am so filled with doubt today. Does anyone really recover? Is it all just random? Is it really just that random that you can do all this work and be right back to day 1 in a nanosecond?
