Hi Guys,
It’s been a strange day.
Started the day early after 5 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep. I got on the chat which started well enough but ended with me in tears. I am reminded yet again about my poor attitude and how my negative ways predetermine my life. It seems to me some people just have easier lives than others do. The "happy" ones don’t get that if you are always beaten down it’s hard to throw caution to the wind. Case in point, I got a warning yesterday at work about the branch not having any qualified referrals to the investment person. Somehow it’s my fault that people don’t want their money in the stock market. Whatever, not something I can control so I have to let that go. I will get a written warning about not making my quarterly goal. I have that to look forward to next week. To add insult to injury my co banker is already one up on me for next quarter. He had one of my regular customers that had been on the fence about refinancing and he took the loan application. See, customers don’t understand that people like me will be out of work when they bring me all the service work and give the sales to who ever takes them on any given day. If the tables had been turned he would be in the managers office insisting that he be given the credit. The same appeal on my part is a waste of time. My manager always sides with him-even when he blatantly stole credit from me in the past. So I guess this is another case of my bad attitude predetermining my future. This is based on my real life experience-and it makes me like I am. Yet another thing to accept-whether I like it or not.
My daughter told me my mom had been saying "I’m tired of having to beg to get things done for me. You mother knows I need my hair done and I am tired of begging." I saw the Chiropractor today for my back and my carpel tunnel then drove 1 hour to go do her hair. I called her when I was on my way and she went off on how awful it is that she can’t go to the doctors and she has to beg to get rides. I was less than nice. There is NO REASON she can’t dial the phone and make an appointment. We have public transport that will pick her up at the door thats really cheap and frankly she can well afford a taxi! My poor sister is working full time at a minimum wage job trying to keep food on the table since her husband is out of work. My brother-in-law is fed up with her and her smart*ssed comments. I am accused of being negative-well you haven’t met my mom. She picked the wrong day to complain to me. I let her have it. I told her just how much better she had it than alot of Seniors-she says well they don’t have to stay home all the time-I told her neither did she! I told her maybe if she didn’t lie and make things up as she went she might be included more. Well that was it. She told me not to come and hung up. I cried and cried while driving my car-mad at myself for loosing my temper with her, mad because she is so hateful, mad because I must be just like her and not realize it.
I prayed to God when I approached the house." Lord I don’t know what to say. Just help me because this will be the last time I try to do anything for her is she starts up when I walk through the door.’ I approached with caution. I walked in and she didn’t say a word. I told her "Mom. I’m tired and PMS today. When you need me for something you just have to ask. I might not be able to do it right away but I will help. I can not read minds and you never asked me to come do your hair." She acted like we never talked on the phone. Thank you Jesus!
My sisters house was a disaster, husband and daughter watching TV. I put the perminate wave solution on my mom’s hair and proceeded to wash her dishes and tidy the kitchen up a bit. My brother in law says "you don’t have to do that." I told him i knew that, and did it anyways. Some days I am reminded why I don’t have a husband. I’ll be d*mned if I would come home to that mess with two able bodied people sitting on their bums while I worked mine off!
I took the long route home so I could stop at my sisters work and visit her for a few minutes. ( if my mom knew this she would have a fit!-so stupid!) We talked. She told me what has been going on. Her husband is depressed and mom nit picks every time she gets a chance. By the time I got done seeing her I was totally wound up! She lives near the casinos so guess what I had to pass? I was more that a bit tempted to say to h*ll with it all and go but reminded myself I’m banned. So not worth chancing jail just because I was upset. So not worth it at all! Who needs misery on top of misery?
Well I guess I’ll get over it. Came home exhausted and back hurting. Did two loads of clothes but have done little else. I thought about a meeting then thought I’m too tired.
Maybe I’ll go sit in the kitchen. It’s still clean and pretty in there.
Bad mood go away!
bettie– 4/4/2011 12:12:15 PM: post edited by bettie.
