I haven’t posted in almost two weeks and that’s because I have been gambling. I went out last Friday and gambled every day over a four day weekend. I went back to the casino on Wednesday night and again last night for the sole purpose of trying to get back what I had lost. It pretty much goes without saying that I feel like total cr*p following this escape/chasing/losing binge.
Opportunity, time, money, boredom, stupidity…the list could go on and on as to why this happened yet again. I would have to say that boredom and my need to escape at ***** are my biggest enemies.
I feel pretty sick to my stomach today and I’m not in a very good place head-wise. I hate the fact that I just can’t seem to get my sh*t together and lead the life that I so desperately want.
So, it’s back to square one and that starts with honesty–honesty with myself and with others. Talking to my son and making this post are my first baby steps today.
I’m self-excluded in my state for life. I should not be a regular at any casino and you know you’re a regular when you know all of the usual suspects and you’re on a first name basis with a few of them. This is not a good thing and I need to take drastic measures now. I asked my son to go with me to two of the casinos that I go to. I want to go to security and re-state that I am a compulsive gambler. I am going to ask them to take a good look at my face and that if anyone ever sees me in their casino, they are to take all of the necessary actions to have me removed. Something has to be done to keep me from walking into those doors.
I’m not so sure how this is going to play out today at the casinos, but I do know for certainty that once I do a refresh of my name and face, I won’t take a chance of walking into them for quite some time. Hopefully, never, but for now I just want to put some time between me and the casinos.
I won’t be gambling today and I am determined come **** or high water to beat this once and for all. No matter how many ***** I have fallen in the past, I know that there is still a passion within me to live my life differently. I’m just not ready to give up.
