Dear diary,
1st time in 2018 – I Gambled in FA Cup yesterday.
Lately, I didn’t want to do the right things such as reporting to work and exercise and want to do all the wrong things such as eating and gambling.
What did my mind tell me?
Bad experiences tell me not to gamble on FA cup matches and I reminded myself a few times not to do it later in the night yesterday. ( it was very sad that I cannot trust myself as I can be unreliable and unpredictable when I could not do what I tell myself. )
What was my feeling?
I can afford the loss, I may not lose this time, this time may be different. (feeling is not a fact or truth.)
What was my thought?
It was not a guarantee win, I still want to do it, I don’t care anymore. (It was an emotional decision)
It was too tiring to analyze and study the match after so many hours. I did not want to think hard before I act anymore. ( I am not thinking straight anymore.) It was a blind gamble.
My SELF WILL was strong and STUBBORN to gamble. I was living on FALSE HOPE.
What did I do?
I want to prove my past experience WRONG this time, I went ahead to place the bet.
What was my feeling?
I was very IMPATIENT and IMPULSIVE, SELFISH AND COMPLUSIVE after so many hours.
My self-awareness, mindfulness and self-control was LOW.
I have lost my patient, I want my saving to grow faster, I was not contented with the money I had. I was not grateful with what little money I had.
My Thoughts, my feeling and action is not in line.
What was my thoughts?
I was insane, I hope to do the same thing and expect a different result.
I still have a chance not to do gamble but I did not remember to postpone my gamble, walk away from danger, do another thing and regretted my action.
After long period of gambling, I would lose my self control every single time, I will become impulsive and compulsive without fail.
I did not listen to my past many experiences. My past experiences was right again.
I was wrong. The outcome was still the same.
I can remember how many times I drank last year. Only 2 times over a year.
I cannot remember how many times I gamble last year. I hope I could face the truth in gambling this year.
My past experience was a good teacher, not me. My self will get me into all kind of troubles.
I need to work on my self-will again!
How can I gamble and stop gambling at the same time?
Gambling win is a temporary solution, not a permanent one. Gambling losses worsen my situation and problem.
The problem is me and my self-will, I choose to not listen, not follow, not obey the recovery program and God all the times.
I was not following the truth, I choose to listen to my lies.
