Dear diary
Putting everything down in writing has given me some relief, it has help me to see very clearly.
I am going to have lesser but I will still have to do the same, it will really test my trust and faith on my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
On some day I may have to keep still, on others, I maybe taking one baby steps forward at a time, I am not really backsliding but it feel like one because it felt heavy.
I realize my load has increase, I am carrying more weight now. It was no wonder I felt uncomfortable, I am not perfect but it is ok. Is it a sign that I was growing in recovery, I was a more responsible, better but still an imperfect person.
1.Mum is 87 years old and still a recovering cancer patient. Looking after her is a top priority.
2.Ever since the company I was working in was taken over by a new employer, everything has change, the new employer is controlling every single cent going out of the company. Every month they are late in payroll and we do not know when is our next payday. The anxiety and insecurity among the staff has cause them to distrust and let out their frustration on one another. I have chosen to protect my recovery and walk away, I have resign from this company and my last day at work is only 8 working days away, I plan to continue my recovery in a new place, just like it always had been, recovery have brought me places and it was just like an adventure.
3. I am still committed and would like to continue to contribute to the family every month.
4. A lady friend had tried to kill herself recently and fail, I have brought this person to seek help and do recovery in the same place I did mine. I am watching out for the person but I have to be extra careful of my word and behavior, I have to treat the person just like another recovering person, I have the responsibility to look after my recovery.
5. I am halfway there returning the money to someone I promise, who I never met for more than 15 years now.
If nothing change at work, I would have been very comfortable financially with the above. Everything has change now.
In life, many things can be uncertain and unpredictable, things can change suddenly. Now I have to work even harder to stay in recovery.
When the load is heavier, the voice of the temptation to escape is louder.
What keeps me afloat walking on water comes from the FAITH and FOCUS in God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I understand…
I only need to take my eyes away from God and the 12 steps recovery program and focus on all the problems. I will start sinking.
This is not the worst crisis I had face living life on life’s term over the years.
It could have been more serious and complicated if I had a bad relapse by taking alcohol or gambling to escape. It could have kill any hope that I had left.
I do not know where I will be working next now
I do not know how much is my pay going be like next.
I do not know whether I will lose the comfort zone that I had for the last 2 years financially.
I do not know what to expect with a personal friend joining my circle of recovering friends, it has taken away my comfort, because I know how to protect myself from the unstable and potentially harmful ones, but I was worried that this friend do not know how to do that and get affected.
What I do know
My family will be supportive.
I will get a new job and everything will be fine in the end.
The management and staff in the recovery center will do their best to help my friend.
I can choose not to take alcohol and gamble.
I can choose not to make matter worst than it was.
