So it’s been 6 days since I last posted on my journal…….it’s scary stuff how life can change so much in 6 days, I am afraid to say that in those 6 days I have gone from being in deep trouble to being in the deepest pile of brown smelly stuff anyone can possibly imagine!!!!!!, In fairness to many of my recovery friends I know and love “if nothing changes then nothing changes” and that is where I am falling short!
I am in a complete mess, I have taken the whole week off sick from work, drank silly amounts (as usual) gambled silly amounts (also as usual) and sitting here now wondering how I can move forward in life, dont get me wrong, I have fixed leaking taps and water leaks, dropped and picked the kids from school, treated them to this that and the other and spent some really nice quality time with them, when they dont see it and have gone to bed thats when I have been at my worst, work have been giving me a hard time for not going in and I think thats a right f###ing joke as they dont even pay me for being sick!!!
Alot of things in life are really p###ing me off and my boy is getting a hard time again at school, I went down there yesterday and nearly lost the plot……only because I care and love him……I hate seeing anyone in life being hurt or bullied, I know for sure I started gambling because I was being picked on and needed some sort of escape/release……..say what you will I know that to be fact as it was and is my life.
Life can be bloody hard work at times and I hate the person I have become, I also hate alot of things in life but on the other hand I love a great deal also, I am what I am and have become what I have become!!!
Just for today I dont like the person I am, but thats just life, only I can change that person but at the moment I cant see much hope, I will keep looking and keep searching but at the moment just cant see any light……
Thank you for listenng, reading and maybe understanding, it means a great deal to me, my very best to each and everyone of you in your recovery and also life.
Take care and hope this finds you all well.
Maverick