so today i had session 5 of the 12 sessions of therapy allocated to me, it’s never ceasing to have twists and turns and exposing the lies i tell myself to justify gambling. one thing i was looking at today is my long term friendships and my perception of how i have pushed everyone away to protect them and in some ways myself of dealing with my gambling and how i was feeling blessed that they are still there waiting for me and i will be able to build my relationships back up with them.
the reality is i chose gambling over them each and every time, i wasn’t protecting them, i was choosing to give myself to gambling and the second reality is they aren’t “sat waiting for me” to rekindle friendships, they have lived their lives and moved on and happen to still be there, i am the one that is “sat waiting”…that’s a lonely but important reality. i still don’t have a defining moment of why i shouldn’t gamble but i believe it’s a working progress.
i was also quite clearly concerned about what happens when my temporary safe place is gone, when the 12 sessions are up, how do i move forward?
my therapists has pointed out several options and some include free ongoing therapy with a different therapist but i am happy and progressive with this one and she would be ok with continuing work with her but obviously funding it myself ( fair rates). i feel like it’s a lot of money to invest in myself when i have debts to pay but on the other hand it’s a lot cheaper than gambling….i think often about Johnny telling me to invest in myself, maybe this is a good start.
the most important thing is i am still gambling free
