One day at a time is all you can do. I had urges last night in the office on my own – that’s when I would gamble. If I had to work late and the office was empty. I would also gamble when there were people, and I would hide away.
I understand what one day a time means. It doesn’t mean just live for today with no sense of responsibility. It doesn’t mean don’t think about the future and don’t make plans. It means focus on what has to be done today, and the future will take care of itself. Nothhing will ever go totally to plan, there will be ups and downs, not everything will turn your way. But that is life, and I have to focus on being more mature.
I don’t have much time to post this morning as there is baby stuff to take care of, and sorting stuff, but I felt I had to post while I could.
I have been thinking of triggers. For me they are when I feel confident and convince myself I can play normally. The thoughts are: you;ve been off a while, you’ve read what other gamblers go through. If you want to play you have to play with rules, and controls. Only play twice a week, only at these time, only with so much money etc etc. And while, like many, I can do that for a short while, the urge to play ALL the time, with more MORE money will always overtake me. I have to remember that once I became a CG I will always be a CG. That’s now a personality trait of mine – compulsion and addiction. I have to accept that. I think that is the hardest thing, that I can never enjoy what is for many a harmless recreation.
Because it can never be recreation. If I lose, I HAVE to win my money back. If I win, I HAVE to win more – until it’s all gone and more. This was my story and the story of many I have read here.
I post here to remind myself, because by writing it down makes it more real. Not just in my head. Here I can share my feelings.
The drugs seem to be working but I am still scared for the future because I do not know what it holds. My business is empty, I feel unemployable in the real world. I have to get rid of the office and the company money runs out in 6-8 weeks without further work. I am scared.
But as it says in the GA booklet. Just for today I will not be afraid. I might be afraid, but I will not show it.
Dog is whining, we are ready to go. I hope to post at lunch, and read what others have posted.
Thanks so much and lots of love
Mav