I have a long long road ahead to get well, and currently I am in a very low place emotionally, and physically. I have made it 4 days, last bet was 2/18/2015. But that’s not all. I have made an inventory of all of the negative, self destructive behaviors and it is quite a lengthy list, and at the moment seems like a mountain of problems. Here goes: gambling, alcohol, marijuana, video games, checking stock quotes, biting my finger nails and skin on my fingers, depression, anxiety. Yes, I am a mess.
The good news is that on my last binge I knew I would be found out quickly, and so I promptly admitted to my family that I had relapsed. I have found that although extremely painful, it provides some measure of relief that I am not continuing a lie, and it helps me to start fresh. When I lie and hide things, I feel more anxious and depressed. When I share my problems and ask for help, these conditions lessen.
So this time, not only did I stop my gambling on 2/18, I stopped marijuana, alcohol, video games, fantasy sports and checking stock quotes.
I saw a therapist yesterday, and laid all of this out there for her to hear. It took a bit of courage, as in all my time I have never been able to admit all of these defects. I am convinced now that fully admitting all of my problems and recognizing that I can’t tackle them alone. I know that these behaviors either cause or exacerbate the anxiety. How I would like to be truly relaxed and comfortable in my own skin!
I also spoke with my older sister yesterday about what has happened and she revealed she also suffers from anxiety and depression, but she has both well under control with help from her doctor and proper medication. It was great hearing her advice on tackling these issues head on, and not being ashamed of taking medications. (I have considered medications a crutch and have resisted somewhat).
Due to the lack of marijuana in my system, I have not had any sleep the last two nights, and feel exhausted. This is going to be rough but I have to get through this and carry on!
It is helpful to me that I have 2 kids and a wife that depend on me, love me (defects and all), and want to help me get better. If I didn’t have them, I am quite sure I would have taken my own life by now.
I am looking forward to the time when I am more focused on my positive replacement activities, rather than on the troubles and hardships of my addictions, I guess that is a ways off yet but from reading other stories and hearing GA veterans tell their stories, I do know that it is possible and that gives me hope.