I will gladly accept what I have now, I have already learnt to be comfortable and accept myself now.
My recovery was never perfect and smooth sailing, it was full of incidents and offered me many lessons.
I was thankful for all these lessons, I needed them, I need it to break down my stubbornness, self-righteousness, ego, pride and arrogant.
I will keep trying, all the baby changes or progress will add up one day, this was my story. I do not envy others because I do not know anyone who is perfect.
When I describe my feeling, I can read feeling I have now that I could not see myself writing in the past. This was the evidence of baby progress I made.
In the past, I learnt that everyone have a choice including me.
When things get difficult and was time for me to made a decision, I did not make it easier because my list of things to do included all the right thing and wrong thing to do altogether such as all the vices like alcohol, gambling, food and sex. Imagine this, when my thinking was not straight and my feeling was not right, I was vulnerable and prone to picking all the bad choices.
Now I realize the following;
1. Choices – I can choose to gamble or not gamble
2. Chance – Every single time I had a chance not to gamble
3. List of things to do – Create a list of to do thing without any vices, pick anything from the list to do, they are all good and not destructive ones.
I can made things easier for myself.
How right are they when I set my priority right, everything naturally fall into its rightful place.
Priority 1 – My God
Priority 2 – My Recovery
Priority 3 – My family; Love, care and contribution to the family
Priority 4 – Money; I can earn less and do all the above as long as I am not losing any money to gambling.
Priority 5 – Job; I do not have to fear losing this job and the money it bring anymore. I can see now, the price was heavy, my cost for keeping this job was spiritually. It was not worthy at all because end of the day, I will still lose the job and whatever money.
Keeping this job used to be my no.1 priority and I lost all the above, my relationship with God and family suffer, I back slided in recovery, I was not able to contribute to family. I was doing well at work but my old ways return.
Today I am feeling hopeful and happy once more, I knew that after 8 months facing my old enemy or fear on this new job, I am finally prepared and very ready to conquer it by the grace and mercy of God.
What is something new I would like to add to my list of thing to do next year.
I wish to join a men’s fellowship to do bible study – first time / to repair my spiritual health
I wish to start exercising – many times but procrastinate / to repair my physical health
