well, we made it through Christmas. Luckily, I have a family (my side) that takes all in stride – we are all flawed, we need to accept that and move forward. Many Christmas plans, however seemed to fall through, but not because of me, or my husband, it just happened to work out that way. Because Christmas has always been a big deal to me to be part of family dinners on both sides of my family, it was hard. And I found things that I had never even thought twice about were actual triggers. But because I still do not have control over any bank accounts with money in them, there was nothing I could do but recognize them and fight through them. I read from others how easy it is to relapse and can totally relate. If I had access to a bank account with money in it, I would be right back where I started. Some days I feel really strong and others are really tough. I have tried to explain the “compulsion” part to my husband and I think he’s finally getting it. The idea that until you’re broke, there’s still a chance you can win. There’s no such thing as cashing out ahead. So here I am, a month and 2 days since my first post and trudging through. At least I understand it now, understand that there can never be any slots in my life and sometimes questioning if I can even be trusted to have my own bank account again. But on the whole, life is better with no secrets – tougher right now, but better.
