Well on Monday I went to meet my work coach who proceeded to tell me that my appointment and claim had been cancelled as they have changed all the rules and I now need to make a new claim. This means no rent for at least six weeks so I have to find it myself. I noticed that between mo day and Tuesday my anxiety levels within were so very high and I wasn’t sleeping and had smoked 40 cigarettes in a 24 hour period, which has never happened. Fed up with feeling this inner turmoil, I do some research on the condition I have and find that it interferes with the synthesis of serotonin which is why so many with it experience anxiety and depression. I am not depressed right now but the inner turmoil, well hidden, is high. There is a herbal cure for my condition which has eradicated it in many people, but it costs around 150 quid and can only be obtained from overseas. I determine by myself that I am not going down the benefits route, it is just a waste of time and keeps a person stuck in a cycle of lack and having to jump through too many hoops to get a few quid.
Today I have an interview for a job, not a brilliant job, which went well. Yesterday a brilliant job did come up and I am conflicted as I really want the second but can I afford to not accept the first job if offered it. Just as I am going for my interview, my sister texts to borrow money, third time in three weeks. I say no for the first time and within five minutes my daughter asks for help with my granddaughters secondary school uniform which is going to cost around 500 quid which they don’t have. I mean, really, what the schools ask the parents to buy is unreal. This happens to me at the same time a lot, on one day I was asked three times to lend money and I would usually run to the tables. Even when they all know I will file for bankruptcy and am unemployed I still get asked because of my earning capability. I do t blame them either at all as it is extremely difficult to manage on the average wage in this country. I know that in the past when I went to gamble it was because I wanted to the big win to alleviate everyone’s financial difficulties. I am sure there is a lesson here, to let go and lend it or to set up some boundaries. I don’t know which and I feel guilty saying no. But I have no,income coming in although I am Ok right now, but with no benefits coming in I have to,watch the finances carefully. I say to my sister that when I get s job I can help but everything is too unstable right now, and say the same to my daughter, that I will help if I get a job and certainly before she starts school.
