Dear diary
My recovery has been about taking baby steps and it has been slow for me. And some things just don’t happen overnight; you keep trying and practicing until you get it right. And when you get it, you just cannot imagine the sweet satisfactions, it was nice.
When it happen the first time I didn’t take serious notice but when my behavior was consistent second time in a separate incident, I was glad with the growth. It has got to do with being grateful with what I have, accepting the people and situation that I cannot change. Changing myself and not them by the grace of God.
In the first incident that happen on Thursday last week, my 86 years old mum told me that she wished to fix the existing TV, which was switch on most of the day for her. There seem to be some fault lately. I explain to her that repair is costly and new TV is comparably much cheaper, it was better to get a new one but then my budget was tight to get one now, it will hold back my repayment plan by a month. Mum was impatient in her message so I was stress by her, I admit I was angry for a moment but I was able to control it and didn’t show. I was able to made a decision quickly and left home immediately to get her a new 50” inch TV. I was able to change my action and it change my thought and feeling. I was able to protect my inner peace and joy.
The next day, my siblings visit and check the existing TV, they told me I shouldn’t buy the new TV, that I should have discuss with them first, because the old TV was not spoilt, it was the cable box that has problem. I didn’t argue with my siblings instead I left home immediately to cancel the purchase order for the new TV at the shopping mall, I kept my inner peace and peace at home.
In the second incident, my company ask me in for a meeting on Monday this week, they announce that they have set up a new office in a neighboring country with the same exact number of staff to support our local office with immediate effect, I am no longer needed for the graveyard shift and will start work in the early morning at 7.30am on weekdays. In doing so, I will lose about 250 sgd allowance every month and I also need to spend approximately 400 sgd for a new set of working attires now as I cannot fit into my old ones. I went shopping for new shirts and shoes today. The new changes has definitely affected my income every month.
The two incidents have something in common, they have affected me but I didn’t allow it to affect my happiness, I was not dwelling on my losses. Instead I have acceptance of the unexpected change and was able to move on with life. Where was the heavy resentments on people and anger that I used to have?
The second incident highlighted the change in my reaction which was consistent with the first one, my temper have mellow. When I was in early recovery, I may get upset, or panic, I would have gamble and drank heavily.
I am walking down a different street now. I did not drink and did not gamble, things has improved. This is definitely the kind of reward in recovery that I have been longing.
