I have stop acting out in food, sex and work, I have stop drinking alcohol and gambling but I have never been able to stay stop forever in my last 13 years of trying.
Whenever I acted out in any form of self-destructive behavior again, I would try to stay stop again. I did not give up trying to stay stop. Everyday was a constant reminder to stay away from every form of self-destructive behaviors.
The most satisfying thing that I ever achieve in my recovery was to develop an ability and responsibility to show love and provide for the family every month. I was such a useless, hopeless, selfish and irresponsible addict before that.
The most unthinkable and unimaginable thing that can happen to me in gambling was to use the money that doesn’t belong to me to feed my gambling, I may steal, borrow, lie, cheat and con to get the money to gamble. There were so many recovery gamblers I met in the past that was so sure they will not be so foolish and stupid to commit such a criminal act until they do it and regret one day. I must be wary because I will not be an exception.
Every new recovery person I meet like to ask me this question; When was the last time you gamble? When was the last time you drink? It was rare for them to ask me whether I was also acting out in food, sex, work, cigarettes and drugs altogether.
Recovery has given me the confident to be honest with them. I can now face and accept the truth. I am a recovering addict, I was still an imperfect person in recovery and I do sometime slip, and relapse in recovery if I become complacent, and careless.
There was no need for me to be a people pleaser and pretend to be someone I was not. I can accept and deal with the emotion of embarrassment, shame, and guilt that comes with it now. They are a result of my unrealistic high self-expectation and standards. In recovery, everyone are chasing success to stay stop forever. Relapse was consider a failure and the person is consider a loser.
I was very unhappy and miserable in my early recovery, I was regularly in self-pity and self-beating mode, my self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem and dignity was at its lowest. The turning point and breakthrough came after I started seeking the truth in my recovery. I begin to understand why they seek progress and not perfection in recovery.
When everything fail, I have learn to take the more re assuring and safest small little “one baby step at a time”. I thought that was all I can do but these baby steps has carry me far.
My life has change after I found a Higher Power in my life and recovery. I found peace, freedom and joy, I am a happier person now. My attitude change, I can see the roses among the thorns now. In the past, I was focusing on the thorns among the rose and made many bad decision as a results.
I am more experience now, this experience has help me made brave and courageous decision to keep my sanity and recovery at all cost. It was still a very scary and insecure feeling to let go of the control completely every single time but it was different when I let go to a Higher Power that I trust and believe.
I need a Higher Power to help me to do what I cannot do for myself. I learn to pray to God to help me; to give me the wisdom, strength and courage to do His will, and not mine. My way doesn’t work, let God!
I have begin to joke with someone I reach out almost 2 years ago, this person is now attending all those anonymous group meetings and 12 steps recovery workshops. So every time we discuss about something from the 12 steps recovery program, I like to ask my friend whether this sound like something that comes from the Bible. The person agrees. I just wanted to let the person know where they can seek and find the Truth.
No one is perfect, no one is righteous all the times but it is no excuse to sin. I know it was wrong to sin but yet I could not stop myself from sinning. I can be this weak and vulnerable at times. I need God, I need to seek forgiveness, mercy and grace from God for the wrongdoing and sin I do every day.
The bible talk about God ‘s promises. The AA group has a reading on “the promises”. I realize they are true, slowly and surely they have materialize in my life and recovery.
I still sin and act out in all form of self-destructive behavior but it is getting lesser nowadays. Most days I was in total abstinent.
I am very grateful to God and feel very hopeful about the future.