Hi Redare,
I just read your post . I have a “failure to thrive ” son, now in his middle 20s, who began to display the anger and blame behaviour in his mid teens . At the time I put it down to “bad company”, a “phase he will pass through” etc etc. Long story short, he never changed.
He is not a gambler. He has “other issues”.
In this case, I am the CG.
Reading your post about him coming home full of anger , put the heart crossways in me, because that is exactly what my son has done over and over for ten years. He would cause chaos at home. Because I was the only person who challenged him , I was always blamed and he succeeded in turning the family against me every time he had a “flare up”. It always ended with me running to the casino and he would then put his feet up , turn on the TV and enjoy all the homecooking while I stuffed my emotions and money into slot machines. Turned out of my own home by a bully! How crazy is that!
The reason I am telling you all this, is to point out that some of your son’s behaviour may be due to gambling. Other aspects may not. I know lots of CGs who created situations (rows) with family as an excuse to run and gamble ( I did my share of that) but not every CG is aggressive and threatening like your son and mine. Gambling is no excuse for bad behaviour and by saying it is, directly excuses this behaviour.
Mothers pick up the tab for their “children” far too quickly. Of course I used to blame my gambling for my son’s behaviour but when I thought of it rationally, I am NOT to blame when he comes home, bullying and terrorizing everybody. He is a bully and bullies use the classic “divide and conquer” method to isolate family members, turning one against the other, and will always have a scapegoat.
From what you say, you are your son’s scapegoat as I was and still am potentially for mine.
I used to text my son every night too. Seldom got a reply. I used to beg him to come home. It always ended in uproar. I used to go to places he lived/worked just to see from a distance if he was wearing warm clothes, shoes in case he was neglecting himself. I gave him money which was never fully paid back. I used to meet him in neutral venues. More often than not there was a mix up with time or place (always my fault of course) Always ended with him causing a dreadful scene. I talked to him. Pleaded. Appealed to his better nature. I offered to pay for anger management for him. Another flop. He has his father so scared that he defends him and his brother hates conflict so he is an easy target. Like you, I am the punchbag and for as long as I continue to play this part, my son will have a licence to act out and treat me badly. The only person I can change is myself.
Changing the dynamic can make a huge difference. These days, I limit my contact with my son. I send only occasional texts and calls. (Mainly no reply.) If and when he does condescend to make contact, I tell him I am delighted to hear from him (true) Ask a few basic questions ( to avoid being accused of “pressing the wrong buttons”) Invite him home (saying T and Cs apply). Arrange short visits only. Always try to have extra people here to prevent him isolating me . Ask his father NOT to make any arrangements for home visits behind my back. Have my finger on the “end call” button or my bedroom door key ready ( to lock myself in) if he starts his antics in the home. I have also stopped covering up for him to the extended family. If they ask “where/how is %”, I tell it as it is.
What will be the end of all this? Nobody knows! In my case I cannot allow my son to push me back into gambling to escape his totally unacceptable behaviour. That’s my only certainty. I can’t change him. I can’t change others’ reaction to how he behaves. ( I tried)
You , too will have to devise a strategy to protect yourself, keeping in mind that gambling may be playing a part in your son’s carry on. Of course he is angry with you. You played a part in spoiling his fun. While he is sorting himself out, I would suggest you give him a very wide berth and not jump to attention every time he wants to call the shots or attempts to control / manipulate you.
Do not let him ruin your peace .
GAMANON might be helpful for you . Have you tried it?
