Hi Chamomile. I hope you don’t mind me visiting your thread. You see I’m from the “Other Side” of GT. I am a compulsive gambler.
I can’t tell you if you left too early or what you should do, but when I read what you wrote about your “CG” it seems to me that he is making a huge effort. Gambling aside, lies and deceit are the ruination of many relationships and I can totally relate to not being able to stay with a person you don’t trust. How did you find out he gambled after the counselling session if he didn’t come clean and tell you himself?
I am not for one minute defending his gambling or his lies but I can tell you that fear and shame often forced me to lie. I also lied to protect my loved ones. I lied to get money . I lied about my whereabouts but for me these were white lies . I HAD to cover my tracks and being upfront and truthful comes between the CG and the” buzz”. I can honestly tell you that a CG tortures him/herself over those lies more than we do over the gambling. Lies and deceit are necessary tools when we are in action. In recovery these tools are replaced by Honesty and Openness. We can’t face our own actions so admitting them to our nearest and nearest is a double blow. We KNOW the hurt we cause but we just cannot handle it. Perhaps you are expecting a bit too much too soon. I went to counselling and gambled on the way home. I also went to work/church/shopping/visiting/funerals AND GAMBLED ON THE WAY home…I even went gambling and gambled on the way home. That’s what a CG does until he is ready to stop.
This is a very very difficult habit to break away from. We think we are controlling our lives but the truth is that gambling is controlling our every thought, action, reaction, emotion in a way that no CG can understand. Our mind becomes a slave to gambling.
During counselling sessions, emotions are churned up and many CGs do not deal well with emotional issues . We run for cover.
The thing is, Chamomile, your husband’s gambling is HIS problem, not yours. Yes, you suffer from the fallout, you want to “fix” /shield /protect him but it doesn’t work like that. During the active phase a CG wants to be alone. In our own comfort zone.We hate interference . He/she hates help or advice . All we want is a free run and anyone who stands in the way of our gamble is the enemy. This, of course is flawed thinking. The illusion gambling creates sucks us in to a vortex where we spin around in a semi stupor and every one else is observing from the outside, just as baffled and dismayed as we are. No matter how much we want to reach our loved ones, we can’t it is impossible because we are in a vacuum, totally controlled , by this gambling magnet which traps us and convinces us that we cannot live without it. I have no words to describe this “alien force”. The reason I am writing here is to try to give you some little insight into what your husband might be going through . It might help you to realize why you cannot reach him when he is in this “bubble”.
The ONLY thing you can do is protect yourself, your child, your home and you finances. And your sanity! Get help FOR YOU!
Throwing a relationship away is not always the answer.
I’ m hearing you say your loved one is TRYING. He admits he has a problem . That is a HUGE step for a CG. A massive step. The First step is the most difficult to take. It means a CG is saying. “I am powerless over gambling”! When we admit that, a type of surrender sets in. This is the time a CG is ready to accept help. This is how GA seems to works. Guys walk in through those doors at their lowest ebb. They look into the eyes of a fellow CG and see themselves. They hear grown men tell tales they can relate to. They hear the hurt. They feel the pain. Every CG has his own story to tell but when your CG opens up and tells his, he will know in his heart that his fellow CGs “get it”. He decides to ask his wife to take over the finances , another BIG step. Think of the blow to the CG ego when he has to admit “I can’t handle money” but we do it. We will do anything when we WANT to stop. We will do some things (but not all) when somebody else wants us to stop. We might go an extra mile when we NEED to stop, i.e. job threatened/court case looming/missus saying she will leave, but it is only when we become so sick of our sickness, so tortured by the lies and hurt , stand so deep in a hole that we know its time to stop digging, that a CG will reach out his hand to a fellow traveller and say “Help me. I’m laying down my arms. I surrender”. That is the Turning Point.
IF you think your CG is at that stage (and only you can see the full picture) maybe it is time for you to kiss and make up. Learn to read the cues. Forget the lies. Forget the broken promises .Forget the betrayal of trust. Or at least put them on hold. If you both want it badly enough, all these things can be re built to restore what seems to be a good stable relationship (minus the gambling)!
I have two rules in my “Book”.
“You don’t kick someone when they are down”
and
“You don’t throw love away”
That’s my take. Only my experience I would never impose my recovery on another member. Every one is different. You know more than I do. There is help available. For him and for YOU! If your guy in genuinely willing to take the first step , having a supportive wife at his side will make for a wonderful “happy ever after” Recovery.
I wish you all the best for your future with or without your “love”.
Gambling is a progressive disease . It never goes away. It can be fatal.There is no cure but the evidence is there to prove that GA/Gamanon and GT and many other Support Services can lead members who want to leave all the misery behind, to a life “beyond our wildest dreams”.
I was in that place where your CG is now.
Today I am in a different headspace, with a different outlook.
Gambling no longer controls my life. I have taken back control. But if I place one bet it will , without the slightest doubt , all end in bitter tears.
Today I am 400 days G free, one day at a time.
If I can do it, it proves any CG can.
Never give up hope!
Look after YOU and in time your CG might be writing on this Forum giving an account of his recovery, one day at a time.
Keep posting!
God bless!
