Dear diary
Recently I experience 4 incidents.
1.I was approached by someone in one support group trying to find out more about someone in another support who have borrow money from the former without returning.
I have connected with a very big group in the recovering community on Tuesday, each meeting can be more than 100 people, over the space of less than 6 weeks, I experience many there.
2. I was seated right behind a new recovering person, he stood up and share with everyone in the group that he was penniless but when he sat down, he pull out a bunch of keys in his pocket and put it back, I saw money.
3. I saw this man one morning walking out of a sleazy massage parlor which can be very costly. I would have never expected to meet the same person in the same support group I attend on the same week, he shared that his finance situation was not good and his wife is giving birth to a second baby soon.
4. I wanted to reach out to the least fortunate person in one gambling support group, I wanted to learn how and practice how to love unconditionally. I was in for a surprise and not prepared for what is to happen.
I approach this 56 years old man who was unemployed and receiving financial assistance, he was discharge from a hospital not long ago due to an operation, he was also recovering from problem gambling, I wanted to bring him out for a decent meal at the restaurant.
When I invited him out for a meal, he was teaching me what I should do all the way, he is so full of self-righteousness and self-importance, I thought to myself, why is all gamblers like this including me; so proud and so full of self, he also give me the feeling that the good treatment he is receiving was an entitlement and something he deserve, maybe he thought he was special or it was just a habit, he just wanted to look good and was trying to impress me, but when he try to control me in our conversation, he didn’t know he made me feel less important and very unappreciated. I admit my feeling, pride and ego was hurt.
My intention was good but the experience wipeout any spirituality I had if I have any, it expose the ugly side of me, I discover that I have expectation of his behaviors, if that is true, my love for him was not unconditional, I was using him to satisfy some good feeling I desire. Do I really think that I am better than him? Am I really trying to do something to feel important? Am I trying to please God for self-centered interest and a motive?
I am very sure this man has expose the ugly truth in me, I was not humble at all, I try to be humble, caring and loving with him but when he was difficult, proud, ignorant, arrogant and not humble, I failed.
I was not discourage by this incident, I will continue to befriend, get near to him, learn to listen to him, and serve him. I cannot change him but I am sure he will change me over time.
I was a little discourage and confuse, I had to talk to someone mature and the advice given to me was the same; to focus on my God and recovery, I cannot change others but I can change myself. Not to take my eyes away from God and my recovery.
I don’t understand why I witness so many things in so little time, I question myself whether I am going to or want to do anything about it, it will mean taking back the control and the steering wheel from God and correct / fix things in my old familiar self-righteous way but this will be against my new belief and the teaching in my recovery.
I prayed and ask God why do you allow these experiences to happen to me and what do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn from this? Help me God! Tell me what to do God.
In the end, I decided to let go and let God. I will continue to trust God and handover my will and my life over to the care of God. I will give up my self-will, I will deny myself and not take back the control. I will turn it over and let God handle it.
I am living life and experiencing the problems and challenges without the alcohol and gambling. I am walking down a different street.