This will be a long post but I had to get my thoughts down to someone to save them rolling around in my head.
I think when you have a relationship with a CG it is easy to either blame everything on their gambling and either right them off or focus on them getting ‘clean’ and thinking then everything will be ok. It’s not that simple. Every relationship we have is a two way street, every person has complications, problems, struggles and things they either need to or are working on, Moods go up and down.
I am a whole mess of issues, I work very hard on these all the time. I am reflective and have conselling to help with that but sometimes things are triggered and I react in the moment.
My life in a nutshell is I was brought up by a mother who was mentally ill and a step-father who was loving but so laid back he neglected our basic needs. My real dad left my mum and sister before I was born. I have 2 brothers and one sister I was brought up with (my half siblings but they never feel like half) and I have one sister and 2 brothers who I was not brought up with (my half siblings also) all of which I tracked down. My two brothers were adopted one by my mum and one by my biological dad, my sister is my biological dads and was brought up by her mum after my dad left her also. By the time I tracked down my biological dad he had died.
I pretty much brought up my two younger brothers, my sister brought me up until I was old enought to take over. I was abuse by neighbours children when I was 8 but never tolds my parents, they had enough problems of their own having just lost a baby. My first proper relationship was at 17 with a man 10 years older than me who beat me and still to this day has an injuction out on him to stop him stalking me. I have been married twice, both did not last, my first hisband terroristed and raped me while we were on honeymoon. I had a child when I was 22 who died at 3 months old due to a cot death and I lost my way completely after this and had a breakdown. Luckily I had a supportive friend who saved my life after she found me in my flat lying on the floor where I had been for a week without moving.
After that I got a gypsy carvan and travelled for a year putting myself back together and when I came back I started a relationship with a man I adored but found out he was cheating on me on a regular basis. Wanting to start again I ran away and ended up at a vineyard in sussex that is where I met my CG, he was running away too though I didnt know it, in a way I think we helped each other. We had fun and were great company for each other, it was always meant to be a no strings but I fell in love with him but he nipped that in the bud saying he was a compulsive gambler and I didnt want to get mixed up with him. I travelled to ireland where I married my second husband.
11 years ago I had my son by a man who was also a CG but I didnt know it, we split up when was one. My son had muliple allergies until he was 7 and so the focus was on these however I noticed something different about him early on eventually he was diagnosed with a type of autism called PDA (pathological demand avoidance), it means he is so anxious all the time he resists the demands of everyday life. The reality of that was he would ressused to eat, sleep, get up, go to school, well you get the picture. I have become a bit of an expert on the condition which is a comparitively rare type of autism. With the right stratagies my son is thriving in most areas but still can’t be left with anyone else, struggles to go out especially anywhere crowded and is now home educated.
My CG and I had remained friends throughtout this. When my son was 2/3 he came back into my life in a storm of trouble, we instantly rekindled our romance and he eventually went into treatment, unfortunatly he didnt go into recovery straight away so we split up after about a year and had very little contact for the next 7 years. In that time his dad died, my mum died, my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dear friend of 25 years had a complete breakdown and was left with schizophrenia.
At the time my cg and I got back together last feb, I had worked through a lot of the issues I had relating to the events i have described and in a lot of ways was in a good place however my son was having a really hard time at this time as had only just got his diagnoses and I was only just begining to understand how to manage it. My CG was incredibly supportive as I believe I was to his recovery, for a while we were better together than apart, it was the first real relationship I have ever had in my life, give and take, care and understanding. His recovery allowed him to show who he is for the first time and wear his heart on his sleave and mine had helped me to be independent and strong and to trust more and expect the worst less.
I am not going to go in to what happened 6 months ago as it was all over the forum for all to see but it set me back with trust and I pulled in my horns, it put him back with trust and he pulled in his. Things just got worse and worse and despite repeated efforts to fix it we did not suceed.
My (ex)CG is a good man, I say that without rose tinted glasses, I know his faults too and at times I could bang his head against the wall to try and knock some sense into it and I know he has felt that way about me to. But he is a good man. He has a massive heart, he is great with my son, he does not judge me for my past and I do not judge him, he has never given up trying to give up in all the time I have known him, he falls down he gets up, his stubboness is his greatest asset and his worst enermy. Even with all the hassle the last few months he came down and he helped me move, he did so much and never once moaned or lost his temper.
I don’t believe I t was about Christmas or gambling that we split up. It was about not being far enough down the road in our recoveries to sustain a relationship. We werent far enough down the road with our own lives either, I am very tided up with my son and he with his work. But thats ok. I can live with that. That is much easier to live with than sniping and hurting each other that we have been doing for months.
Taking care of you, looking at you, creating support and independance of mind for you, that is the only way to get through this. The outcome may not always be what we hoped for but as long as you are taking care of you it will be the right one. Lily x