Something that I’ve realized over the past month and a half. Recovery is pretty much a road that you will travel, aside from counselors and fellow CGs, alone. For me this will be a minimum 6 years as that is how long my financial plan will be in place to pay off the debts I incurred.
I am still bet free because of my self inflicted prevention strategies but that doesn’t mean that the urges aren’t there. My addiction counselor gave me a paper that shows the “iceberg analogy” where only 15% of your addiction is above the surface (the money part pretty much), the other 85% is triggers. She encouraged me to look at this paper every time I had the urge and try to pinpoint what was going on in my life at that time. Most of the time it was loneliness, brought on by feeling like I was being left out of conversations between my husband and his sisters – so really, self esteem issues. There was one emotion that wasn’t listed though, that I found today – anger. Anger that people say they want to be involved in my recovery, want to understand why I did what I did, want to heal so that there might be some chance of a healthy relationship again. But they really don’t. My problem is not their problem. I am not their problem. It is not necessary for us to ever have more than a civil relationship if we are in the same room. So why don’t they just say that? Why give lip service to the idea that they want anything more? Why can’t they just admit that their only concern is that they get the money back?
I even find that although my husband is supportive and helpful in keeping my safeguards in place, even he doesn’t go beyond that, aside from the occasional “how are you feeling?”. He’s offered to go to my counselling sessions with me but he has no incentive to seek out family support groups on his own. I’ve even brought home literature that basically holds your hand in finding these groups but as of yet no one is the least bit interested. As long as I hold up my end of the deal and pay back the money – I question whether my family, other than my husband who has a vested interest in our future, cares if I even gamble again.
So I am acknowledging that other than my fellow recovering CG’s and my counselor I am in this alone. But I’ve also resolved to come out of this stronger so I will carry on…
