There’s a multitude of reasons your feeling so yuck I would imagine. You’ve just unburdened yourself of some big secrets, and it take guts.
That’s enough to knock the stuffing out of anybody for a while. Actually hearing yourself say the words may just of re-enforced how pathetic it all is, and how powerless you had actually become against your gambling addiction. I think every CG, when looking back during a moment of clarity, thinks that they were pathetic at the time, I know the way I behaved for over 30 years was pathetic to say the least.
I think when I have told people and received a willingness to understand and support. I felt very guilty, unbearably so sometimes. I would much rather they had punched me in the face at the time, that’s what I felt that I deserved.
Now your partner knows you could maybe ask him to take charge of all your finances, now’s probably the best time to ask him. It would help you both. It’s something I neglected to do, despite it first being suggested over 30 years ago. I gambled throughout those years.
Some people reckon you need two components to gamble; time and money. I say three by adding “the desire”.
By getting your partner to hold your finances you are taking money out of the equation. By making yourself accountable by sharing with your partner, maybe you can take in more social activities together when he’s at home. Find something to fill in your time when hes gone, and maybe have a daily skype. Once time and money are out of the equation the desire slowly but surely disappears too. It did for me, I promise.
It might make you feel small and childish and feeling even more yuck for asking for this level of support but believe me, its a lot less embarrassing than coming back in 3 months saying you gambled again. I never listened to that advice from anyone. I’ve learnt from personal experience.
You may also feel yuck because you have just lost a big part of yourself, you mar feel bereft of it. You’ve lived with addiction for that long you’re bound to feel different. You will get used to living without it.
Once again well done for doing this.