I wanted to share another dream. Kind of hard to explain, but I think I should share because I think it has helped me in my recovery.
I had this dream shortly after my last gamble, which was in September. Just as I was waking, I saw and I think felt, this black fog leave my body. When I awoke, I immediately thought that what had left my body was my gambling addiction. I felt such relief upon awakening, but I also knew that the fog had not left completely. It was still there close to my body.
Why do I think this dream has helped my recovery? After that dream, a subtle shift has occurred. I no longer think of the addiction as living inside me just waiting to get out, and therefore no longer feel like I might explode from trying to keep it inside. I no longer believe this is who I am. I never truly believed I could change because of this. I believed that I was a gambling addict and it was just too hard to change who I was. It also broke my heart that this is who I was, not to mention the self loathing. Changing my behavior seems much easier than changing who I am. Since then, I have read a lot about the power of our beliefs about who we are and our ability to change. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this problem has not gone away. I have a gambling problem. That black cloud is still hovering, wanting to get in. It’s still a fight, but it is no longer an inner battle.
I have more to say about this, and I realize that it is a bit contrary to the GA approach of saying…I am a compulsive gambler. More later. I welcome your thoughts.
