firstly i would like to say that i hope everyone had a happy and gamble free Christmas.
so….i got to day 14, day 14 after 21 years of gambling, feeling so hopeful and this happens:-
Christmas morning and i am opening cards, there’s a scratchcard in one, i freeze, i ask myself if this breaks my clean record, i paced and pondered and thought, no its ok i didnt buy it and ive never had an issue with scratchcards, so i scratch and win £10…great. the next morning i exchange for 2 more, knowing that im on the borderline of breaking my days but i still rationalise it. i scratch, i lose grrrr, why didnt i just take the £10? and then it happened, i bought some more and some more and some more, probably about £50 in total. what the hell!! i didnt really have that money to lose, i knew i had broke my 14 days which i was most annoyed about. so i drove to the bookies 2 times and drove away talking myself out if it. the 3rd time i knew i wasnt going to drive away, the thing is in the past, no matter how much i had lost once i had got my hands on some more money, that was all that mattered, i would feel that high knowing i was going to gamble and nothing else in the world mattered for that small amount of time. this time on boxing day, driving to the bookies, i felt angry and sick and so down with myself but i knew i wasnt going to turn away, i put on a £200 and felt no joy. i lost that bet by one goal and i knew where i was going. i put on another £200 to recover my first losing bet and the scratchcards and some extra for my troubles. it looked like that was a losing bet too and i was already working out what bills can i avoid paying, i had hit self destruct. i wasnt going to stop. in that moment i had given up on myself and i was back to those feelings of self loathe. as it happens, the last kick of the game won my bet and i got everything back. i wasnt happy, of course i was relieved that i had my money back but that’s it. i gambled yesterday and today, not that its ok but it was literally small amounts of money, just enough to have some extra in my pocket. i went to the bank today and put it all back in so its not lying around for me to dip into. i feel like that makes me in control again, that i dont need to give up gambling as i have been quite controlled the last couple of days THAT IS THE WORST THING A GAMBLER CAN TELL THEMSELVES. of course if i carry on, it will go back in time and time again and more on top, or i can start day 1 again from a “lesson learnt” position as i know that i will only be back from a place of self despair again like i was a few weeks ago. it didnt feel good this time when i gambled, i didnt get that heart pump that i normally do, i am ready to accept falls and to keep getting back up until i beat this.
this christmas i realised what a lonely existence i had made for myself, i always see everybody before xmas so i can lock down the hatches and be left alone to gamble on xmas and boxing day, i have been so good at pushing people away that they dont even make offers anymore, thats my doing. i took my Grandma out xmas eve and saw my parents and hadnt realised how old they have got, like life has literally been passing me by and that breaks my heart. if i ever went to visit i would always be checking scores on my phone and not paying attention to them and always leaving before the bookies shut. tomorrow i will start my day 1 again, day 1 is psychologically difficult as you dont have anything to hang onto or lose on day zero. i will be starting the new year exactly as i mean to go on and no more scratch cards as they obviously become a substitute for me not gambling. i am such an idiot but thankfully i didnt add any more debt to my life. onwards and upwards!
