Dear diary
I gamble yesterday. I place ONE bet.
I only manage to stay gamble free for 148 continuous days this time.
I check last night and my salary was still not bank in to my bank account, it was late for many days, something is wrong with this company, I was disappointed and felt discourage.
The temptation was there in the Monaco match showing on TV. I did not give up a winning gamble this time, I took it, I won SGD900. It is going to provide me all the additional money I need for this festive season and my period of unemployment.
I am facing a different problem now. I can feel my thought and feeling changing today. Everything changes so fast.
Yesterday I place my first and only gamble to get the additional money I need from a winning gamble.
Tonight, if I place the next gamble, it was for the excitement with the additional money I had. I notice that I have created a new problem and situation for myself.
Now I have to go back to the recovery basic and do first thing first–
1. I need to deny my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways.
2. I need to deny my desires. I need to sacrifice and give up the excitement I seek from a gamble or a gambling holiday, my greed, and false hope of a better life thru gambling.
3. I need to give up my self-will.
4. I must be obedient and discipline.
5. I need to remind myself all the times —
5a. I cannot stop gambling after a few gambles like a normal person. If I do it, I can never stop at will.
5b. What happen if I lose the money, I will lose all the peace, joy and freedom I have now and anxieties, fear, insecurity and stress will return.
5c. It is not worth it to let the pain and suffering sneak in. It is back to staying gamble free one day at a time.
I should not let the things I cannot do in recovery to affect the things I can do –
I will have work harder at the 12 steps recovery program and seek a closer relationship with God.
I had many good days in recovery but on my bad days, I will become a hypocrite. I was not perfect.
Please forgive me God.
Faith have brought me far but where was my obedient in this situation? I was sorry.
I reported to the day surgery center at 8.40am. My surgery went well today at 9.45am. Thank God.
I saw the opportunity and was tempted while watching the Monaco match at 5am.