I feel the same way but with poker. When my family first realised I had a problem I was in total denial. I went to GA because of them. I couldn’t see how playing all the time was a problem. I had just inherited 5K and my wife said I would lose all that becuase she knew I was an addict. I denied this and within 6 months it was gone, as were all my savings. I was obsessed with playing, but even when I won I never cash ed out, kept records of how much I was depositing or how much time I was playing. I just played all the time, on compuyters, iphones etc etc. i read book, watched videos. I totalluy negltected by company, my life, my wife.
Because I was in denial the problem got worse. I get so depressed when I think what my life would be like now if I had quit then. Just cut my lossses – but this illness doesn’t work like that for us. We just can’t stop, it gets in our mind, and if we allow the urges to work we will gamble. If we start to believe what we need.
I know if I relapse again, however small, even if I win, then I will be thinking when can I play again. I will be at work finding excuses to be on my own, and when talking with others just wanting to play. If I was normal I could play for a few hours, and then – up or down – leave it for days or weeks. But as I am addicted it doen’t matter if I am up or down, I just want to keep doing it. And it has no benefit.
So I accept am addicted. I accept it will do me no good. I will feel awful if I play because it means the lieing starts again, the deviving. I know that even if I played just once a week, it would soon start to go crazy again. It gets in my head so I cannot focus on other things. That is the disease. It obsessed us, and so we do not make smart decisions. There is something in our psyche that means we cannot do it every so often.
This is what I am learned. This is true for me.
Be strong – realise that life IS worth living living without gambling. Because life with gambling IS NOT worth living. You’ll nevcer achieve anuything, never have anything, never be happy. But I know if I stay stopped, of course I will have urges, but I can let them pass. And in time I will eventually forget – but that takes years. It is a mental illness, and it adds to depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness. i am only talking about me and cannot talk abut anyone else.
I am posting here a lot, just to get my feelings out. My thoughts are with you because I know how hard it is. I know some days will be easier than others. This is addiction, it is a compulsion to do something even though it causes harm
Good luck, and feel free to write me.
Keep utting your thoughts on here. I know that helps me.
Good luck and speak soon
mav