I am really struggling today. This morning my wife cried because I appear so incacapable of functioning. This is not a result of my gambling, it is a result of me. Has anyone else been through this, this insane lowness. Has anyone got out of this? I am seeing a Gamcare counsellor today because I know if I give in to the temptation of gambling thinking it will make me feel better it will make me feel worse. I keep trying to remember the times when I gambled in an unfit state of mind, how it made me feel worse.
What really hurts is that last year we had the biggest commission we ever had. It was supposed to solve all our financial problems and put the company onto an even footing, and my depression has not allowed that to happen. The commission is 4 months late, we’ve used the money just to keep going and I have not been able to look for more work. My wife hinks we need to close the business down, but that makes me feel like such a failure. Why can’t I see what I have to do.
It is a week now since my last gamble, but I am not feeling better. I am not sure the pills are working, and not sure where to turn to. I also have HMRC chasing me for personal tax, my company owes money to HMRC (which this comissions should have paid) and unless we deliver we do not get the final payments.
I am losing my mind.
I am sorry to be posting all this shit on here, I just don’t know what else to do. If I don’t these thoughts out of my head I will explode. I need to breathe, to slow down – but all I can think of.
There is so much work to do and if it wasn’t for my wife I would be lost. I would pronably be here gambling knwong me so I am going to take that as a positive. The issue is the cost of childcare and how I am leaving everything to my amazing wife. What happens when she leaves me, what am I going to do? Why does my life have to be such a craphole, how did I allow this to happen, what is wrong with me?
All my love to everyone out there, I love you all.