I am building up gamble free time and the urges are simply thoughts which I try not to entertain. I have some good things to look forward to and yet this time it doesn’t feel like recovery. I don’t really feel good about not gambling in the way I have in the past . Perhaps this is due to the flu and my recent bereavement. I’m not sure.
I dreamt recently that I was driving beside a river and my car went in. I somehow managed to get it onto a little muddy island where it sank completely into the mud. My friend and I were on top of the car and were rescued but I had months of work in the boot of my car and all my clothes .
I realised that I hadn’t a single penny to replace any of my stuff or my even my car. I wasn’t sure I had made my insurance payment . I was in full panic mode and as usual the shock I had just experienced hardly registered as the familiar worries about money and survival took over.
I recently wrote that it feels like I don’t feel anymore. Now I relaise that I haven’t given myself space to feel. When things happen my first thoughts are how much will this cost ? Have I enough money ?