Dear diary
How deep is my love for my recovery?
How committed is my love for my recovery?
Do I have unconditional love for my recovery?
Am I willing to sacrifice myself for my recovery?
How deep is my love?
I love my God and my recovery more than every recovering person, every recovering places and money. My recovery is not centered on people place or thing, it is centered on God.
I am always ready to walk away to join another similar group of recovering people, another similar meeting in another recovering places to continue my recovery when things become harmful.
How committed is my love?
When my recovery become hard and difficult, do I walk away from God and my recovery.
Oct 2013 I remember the day I am no more running away from everything, I decided to face the money lenders. I negotiated with a string of them. It was a stressful period. I do not have the money and their job is to strike fear in my heart. I needed courage to face them, there were many nasty exchanges between us. Thank God all these are a thing of the past, I have since fully repaid every one of them now.
Nov 2013 I receive a legal letter of demand for money I did not borrow, it was very upsetting, I found out the letter was a fake, it was all a scam, I had to report to the police. Everything is fine now.
Dec 2013 My mum was 83 years old and was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage colon cancer on the 11th Dec and needed surgery on the 27th Dec 2013. On 19th Dec, I was informed by my employer that they are not renewing my employment contract and I will be unemployed soon. I was gamble free for more than 3 months but life was actually getting worst and worst, I never expect to lose my job and face a life and death situation at home. Today mum is 86 years old, recovering well, she is mobile and eating well.
January 2014 I was unemployed, I was broke by now, I could not find full time work. I had to work as a kitchen cleaner at 12 midnight in Burger King restaurant. The money I earn is not enough to pay for transport from home to restaurant, I had to walk to work. It was not the safest work to do, I had to drain boiling oil from the fryer into a drum, I had to scrub the wall and floor. I was paid 20 SGD each day. I have since found a better full time job now.
I remember asking myself, my mentor and God is this what “carrying my own burden, denying myself and following God” really feel like? It was so painful, life is turning from bad to worst, there was no light at the end of the tunnel in sight. I was hit hard, I felt like I was slipping away, just when I thought this will be the last bad new, another new one appear, it really pushes my limit for pain and tolerance. Mentally I am growing weaker amidst all the suffering. I do not know how to rejoice in suffering for God and for goodness and grow in strength.
I appreciate this lesson very much now because I saw how my life become full when I have none. I become more assured and confident in recovery now, my beliefs and faith grew stronger. What l first thought was tragic and disaster turn out miraculously good by the grace of God, I can never understand why and how, the closest to describe this feeling was the AA paradoxes “we die to live” “we surrender to win” “we give away to keep” ” we suffer to get well ”
I have learn to rejoice in suffering in the name of God and my recovery now.
1 Peter 4:12-14
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
Philippians 3:10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
When you suffer for being a Christian, you further identify with Jesus in His sufferings. There is no shame in suffering for the Lord. Instead, it is to be counted as a blessing.
I am very thankful for the experience and growth from that difficult period today. Thank you God for the protection, grace and blessings.
Do I have unconditional love?
I am a recovering addict so when I see another suffering recovering addict, I saw myself, I am responsible for my effort to love them like God and other recovering person love me.
I must not have any unrealistic expectations. I did not make it on my first try, I should be fair to them too. I have learn from previous bad experiences to love unconditionally, I must not expect any one of them to return me a favor later or treat me better, otherwise I am just setting myself up for more disappointments and misery. I do not control them. They should be given the rights to reject me.
I only wish to offer them hope, not condemnation, judgement or criticism. I leave that to God. I have to learn to stand on the shore and continue to throw them the life saver. I do not take the credit if they do well and I also do not blame them or myself if they do not.
I realize that they actually help me grow, to give is to receive. I will become the biggest benefactor when they give me the chance to love unconditionally. I need to thank them.
I need hope, they need hope more than everything, we need all the motivation and encouragement we can get.
Am I willing to sacrifice for love?
I am ready to give up my current job, a higher pay package, walk away from harmful people I love, harmful places I love and harmful things I love for the sake of my recovery.
Apostle Peter warned his readers about the coming of a more intense period of persecution. He again stressed mental readiness.
hmm…mental readiness