Dear dairy
2 days after I gamble, I can still felt the urge to place the next gamble.
It was only on the fourth day that the reality really sank in, and I was finally able to feel what is really going on.
It felt exactly like hitting a rock bottom. It hurt very badly, I didn’t wish to gamble. I felt so helpless, shock, disappointed and tears.
I don’t like the feeling of the gamble at all now.
The winning gamble feeling and in control feeling was a lie and not real, the true feeling or truth was really one that is powerless, shocking and helpless in this self-harm behavior.
I isolated myself in my room today and slept it off. When I woke up, I tell myself there are things I need to do for the rest of my 12 months in year 2017.
I need to strengthen the crack on me.
It is so hard to swallow, accept and live life on life ‘s term. When my hot button was press, I crack!
I pray that this is just another turning point. A lesson to change my direction.
It hurts, it really does.
I am not going to walk around the hole, I am going to walk down a different street.
Living life on life’s term is painful for me now.
