Hi Tosca
Not having agreement on how to handle the drama, created by an addiction to gamble in a family, offers fertile breeding ground for the addiction to grow.
I am hoping that with the knowledge that you will gain here you can get your husband to come on board with you and offer a united front against your son’s addiction which is the best thing for your son. Giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic – as soon as cash is given, either in the hand or by clearing a debt, the slate is cleaned but it is never a launch pad to recovery – it only provides the necessary tool to gamble. The addiction to gamble is nothing to do with money, money is merely the tool – it is the ‘gamble’ itself that causes loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence resulting in bad behaviour. If you son is being enabled then he is being kept in the cycle of addiction. As my son said to me I did everything wrong for all the right reasons
Your son sleeps or maybe pretends to sleep to protect his addiction. His addiction doesn’t want to hear you. I hope the following will help you understand what is happening when you talk to your son; although not recognised professionally it has been a coping mechanism for many of us – and I know it works.
Imagine your son’s addiction as a beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to your son, even if he seems half asleep, the beast is awake waiting for the threat. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner, growling quietly – but it is always there and listening.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions (maybe something as simple as a request to tidy his room), his addiction will leap between you, taking control of the conversation, probably turning it into an argument which justified him gambling again. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. You are tired, fed- up and confused and his addiction knows it. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
My CG, son, explained this to me. A parent telling a CG son that they love them and they want to help them must be lying. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of failure. A CG cannot win which leaves them feeling worthless and unlovable so why would you love a worthless failure. Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have, or know, any other coping mechanism. Telling him you love him and/or throwing money at the problem only fuels the addiction.
I believe it is really important to stand back and listen rather than trying to argue with his distorted mind – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into. Having listened, post here and hopefully between us we can find a way to support him.
The best thing you can do for your son is to look after yourself first because by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with his addiction. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
It doesn’t sound much but it works – when we fall apart from the addiction of another we become impotent ourselves and as such we cannot help the CG or ourselves.
Like you, your son would not have know he had a problem until it was too late. He probably gambled for fun in his early teens without any thought that an addiction was to be his lot. All CGs want to gamble responsibly but the addiction means they will always lose. Standing back and watching a loved one lose is the most painful thing. Stopping him from the pain his addiction is bringing him by clearing his debts or giving him cash is not the answer. Only your son can save himself.
Who is keeping your son in food and warmth at the moment if he has no job? If it is you then I suggest he doesn’t get the best food, the best of anything and he doesn’t get to help himself from the fridge. I cannot tell you what to do but I hope you will safeguard your finances and personal belongings, whether sentimental or valuable,
Your son is not deliberately hurting you, he will not like the person his is but he is caught in a cycle of behaviour which he is not accepting is his doing at the moment.
Your son is lost but he can be found, sadly you can lose your marriage because of it or you can grow stronger in unity.
I understand your feeling that you wish he would go away and maybe that is what he has to do.
Your son sadly does not appear to have been hurt enough which is a terribly sad thing for me to write and for you to read.
From all you have said in this post I think the key lies in your relationship with your husband. I believe you should ensure you have time for the two of you where gambling is not the focus. I would imagine that having the addiction in the home has killed a lot of the things you used to do together – try and rekindle the things that made you happy. Perhaps tell your husband that you are seeking support, perhaps tell him that all you are going through is understood here, that other have walked this sorry path before you.
I will end this post by repeating my earlier message that I would not be writing to you now if I did not know that your son can control his addiction and he can live a fantastic life as a result. You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can your husband. The more support you can give each other the better. There is so much more to tell you but I will leave it there for now.
Velvet