Hi Tina, thanks for the great post on my thread. It is very much appreciated.
I am really pleased for you that you’ve had your phone counselling, and so pleased she’s an advocate of you telling your partner. I agree you should tell him how it made you feel. This is a serious problem Tina and if you’ve seriously considered taking your life, and your partner is understanding of your problem, then yes tell him.
I have in my life attempted suicide several times. I am quite embarrassed to admit sometimes as a cry for help, drawing attention to myself, not serious attempts usually an overdose in a public place and I’ve ended up ringing for an ambulance myself. But twice I have seriously attempted it. Once on a ferry across the English Channel, I hadn’t gambled for a while, I had been involved in some criminal activity and accumulated enough cash to pay a debt to a man I owed. It was overdue and this was deadline day, when I got off the ferry I had a six hour drive. My plan was repay the debt, have a couple of days off and then borrow the money back.
I had more money than I needed, having won some money playing cards. To cut a long story short I lost all the money on the ferry playing blackjack. My legs and car were in serious jeopardy if not my life. When I was down to the last I told myself if I lost it all I would kill myself. I took a massive overdose with vodka in a cabin on the ferry…woke up in hospital and had to go and get my car from the docks…the shame I felt!
I also had another serious attempt.
Some people, I feel do not really grasp the severity of this problem Tina. I think you show a lot of awareness, counselling can be priceless.
Of course it’s a good idea to have some debt repayment plan in order, but as you havn’t done so yet it may be wise to wait until you’ve told your partner.
You’ve gambled for 18 years Tina, you’ve been secretive, and in that time I would think a lot of you rationale and common sense may seem to have disappeared. Your thought process may have become distorted, and making bad choices may just have been the norm for you. It did for me, and those that I’ve spoken to at GA and rehab relate similar things. Making stupid decisions in normal for a lot of CG’s. Once you have told your partner he may turn out to be of fantastic support, and help you find the best debt repayment plan. He may be able to see things a bit more clearly than you.
I hope that does happen. But there is the chance things might not work out between you, and if that were to be the case, (sorry to be so matter of fact), you would benefit from having a head clear of this massive issue of how, when and where to tell him.
It is for your sake only I think you should tell him as soon as possible. Setting up payment plans will take time, sounds like you have a lot of creditors. It will also deflect your thinking from when to tell him.
I’ve never fessed up to a partner Tina, but for the last 20 years have had to come clean to my daughter. I did gamble during rehab and told my partner, but I don’t ***** this as fessing up, it came quite naturally to tell. More than telling my daughter I’ve had to tell my mother. She is 80 now and the last time I had to tell her I gambled again was about 18 months ago. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life.
Imagine that Tina. This elderly lady who has seen her youngest son turn from a popular schoolboy, into a lying, cheating, low-life gambling scumbag, before her very eyes and being able to do nothing about it.(That’s what I was then, not meaning all CG’s). How must that feel? I’ve no shame admitting this is making me cry writing this. I had to tell her 5 months or so after she had spent six weeks beside my hospital bed when I was in and recovering from a coma. She spent a huge chunk of her savings on a hotel. (I live 300 miles from her). I had to turn round and tell her I couldn’t make it home for my usual holiday with my family because I’d “gambled again”.
She took the news very badly indeed. It brought on a massive asthma attack she was gasping for breath. Ten minutes later she collapsed.
I swore to myself if I ever thought of gambling again I would remember that feeling of watching her gasp. Telling my mother was always the catalyst to me entering in to a period of recovery. If I’d have told her sooner I would’ve stopped sooner. I didn’t do it any sooner because the gambling had me again.
I know my gambling problem thrived on the secrecy for years. I mean the less people that knew the less people would judge me as a complete idiot. Once I got into recovery and honestly made a commitment to stop, I no longer hid my problem. I don’t care what they think of me. For years I had lived on borrowed, and even stolen money, by telling those people I had close links with I was reducing the number of enablers for my addiction. And I was reducing my opportunities, making myself ac*****able in a small way. It’s hard enough telling one person you’ve gambled, imagine if any of these found out of any further gambling. But Tina there does not need to be a next time.
Tina regardless of when you tell your partner I will still support you. If though in a few months you were still in the same boat my frustration might show in the nature of my posts. I’ve put off and put off for many months with lots of things, my frustration would be with the old me, who was doing the same as you. I’ve experienced the consequences of not telling. When I kept things secret and paid back secret debts, I’ve gone back to gambling every single time.
Apart from anything else Tina, any secrets in a close relationship never do any good.
Wishing you well.