Hi Stacey
I don’t find it strange that you feel that one day somebody else will reap the benefit of the 7 years you have suffered trying to support a CG into turning his life around but you haven’t got to that point and I would never suggest that you get to it or not. I firmly believe that it is possible for both CG and F&F to gain from the experience of living with the addiction to gamble and to make it work for a better future.
Scream by all means but never lock yourself away because that would mean the addiction had won and that must never happen. You are stronger than your partner’s addiction even when you feel it is winning and that strength will be growing. Your children will gain from that strength and you will be an excellent role model for them.
The idea that he has a right to buy something for himself because he has not gambled is not unusual but 2 days abstention is not recovery and was, as you so rightly say, another selfish act. However, I doubt his addiction wanted to hear your reasoning that the rent should have gone first as it was still full on and demanding attention.
Finding the words to deal with an active CG standing in front of you, seemingly much bigger and more aggressive than usual, is never easy and I have made every mistake in the book. I think that the best thing to do when you are floored for a response about money being demanded or an answer to a nasty comment is to refuse to respond in a way that allows for further manipulation. I think it is good to have phrases ready, perhaps jotted down in a quiet moment, such as ‘I will discuss this only when, you have calmed down/sat down/stopped glaring/I have had time to think’. The thing about a manipulative person is that they know what they are going to say, they know what they want, but you don’t – so caught by surprise your answer is more likely to be open to further manipulation.
Take the frustration out of knowing that when he gambles he will swear blind that he didn’t by accepting that he will not tell you the truth so there is little point in the confrontation. I doubt very much that he thinks you are stupid. He knows he has gambled and lost, so his addiction will want to confuse you into backing away. Confusing him by not responding in a way that he doesn’t expect is more effective – perhaps calmly saying something like ‘we both know you are lying but we will leave it at that’ and then carry on with something that you want to do.
Once again I hope some of this helps but please keep posting and hopefully drop in to the group where we can ‘talk’ in real time which is often easier.
Velvet
