Hi Stacey
I recognise all the different behaviours that you are describing – if there were no good times it would probably be a lot easier to make decisions.
I often use the following as a way of coping with the different facets of a CG, it isn’t professionally recognised but it has worked for so many that I believe it is worth hearing. If you can imagine your partner’s addition as a slavering beast chained in the corner of the room ready to strike when provoked it possibly will make it easier to talk to him during the good times. When you speak to him, I believe, it is good to be aware that his addiction is always poised and ready to strike but as long as you stay calm and don’t prod the beast it will stay in corner.
Of course it is hard to live with a CG (compulsive gambler) without having arguments because the addiction beast is an expert at creating arguments which give it an excuse to gamble. When you seek to talk to your partner about his behaviour, logic and reason fly out of the window while the addiction beast leaps between you and distorts your meaning, changing it to fit your partner’s personal perception. You are not the master of threats and nor do you want to be but your partner’s addictive beast is. It needs to blame others for its existence because the alternative is to accept responsibility for poor behaviour which is seemingly an insurmountable thing for him to face.
Your partner’s addition will have given him constant feelings of failure because he will always lose when he gambles, that is the nature of the beast. Feeling a failure every day leads to lack of self-confidence and no self-esteem – worthlessness. Your partner’s reaction to all this is to fight back with the only tools he has at present – manipulation, blame, lies and deceit but with the right support your partner can be given the tools to control his addiction, he can rebuild his confidence and self-esteem but he has to want to do so.
In my opinion it is almost impossible to get past the addiction beast by worrying and trying to push the conversation towards discussions on honesty and recovery. I believe that it is better to stand back and listen to the CG rather than to get involved in arguments. The CGs response to provocation is probably to gamble while the loved one’s response is sleepless nights, 24 hour-a-day worry and unnecessary feelings of inadequacy.
The way this works is that by stepping back it is easier to stay out of the argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. When you begin to try and put your side the addiction beast has something to get its teeth into.
This might sound negative but what the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. With this addition, the way to win is not to play the game.
I am going to leave this here and await your thoughts. You are doing well with our posts.
Velvet
