Hi Rupture
I am sorry I have not replied to you earlier, I hope you are still reading. It would be great to get an update.
Compulsive gamblers are often very hard workers because they want to earn money to cover their gambling and this can work until the addiction reaches uncontrollable limits, behaviour deteriorates and debts exceed that which is being earned.
Sadly without treatment this addiction gets worse and not better. I am sorry that your boyfriend is saying that GA is not for him but it is not uncommon for gamblers to feel like this. In my opinion many gamblers go to GA in the hope of finding the magic cure but sadly it doesn’t exist – they want to control the addiction but they don’t want to do the work that is necessary to achieve that end.
The different forms of addictive gambling cannot and should not be compared, there is no one form of gambling that is any easier to control than any other – there is not one form that is worse or better than any other. Your boyfriend has a gambling addiction which means he cannot walk away, until, often, he has lost everything.
Has your boyfriend tried this site? I don’t think that ‘My Journal’ which is the forum for compulsive gamblers who want to control their addiction could ever be said to be inactive. We also have a brilliant Helpline where your boyfriend could communicate in real time, one to one and get the honest, down to earth support he deserves. The CG groups are excellent and private, he would ‘meet’ those who understand him and as it is anonymous, it could be argued he has nothing to lose by trying them.
When your boyfriend is triggered there is little point in trying to talk to him logically or reasonable because he cannot/will not hear. Challenging and threatening him will have no effect.
Your boyfriend has been in recovery for 3 years and this might be a good base for you to build on. Rather than talking about what he is doing now, which won’t change a thing, maybe you could talk about how happy you were in those three years, remind him of the things you did, friends you had and places you went when times were good. In other words, positive thoughts. Don’t compare with the way it is now, just talk about how happy he seemed and how much better you felt – what it did for your health to see him doing well.
I can hear in your post that you feel that you are sinking and this is definitely an area over which ‘you’ have control. If you allow his addiction to bring you down then you are not helping him or you. Maybe you could write a list of things to talk about other than gambling and call your old friends to chat, I am sure they would be pleased to hear you sounding better. It is a cycle that F&F find themselves in– they talk over and over about their problems and then notice their friends dwindling; feeling unwanted and uncared for they sink back in to themselves with confidence and self-esteem flying out of the window. You use to have friends so you were obviously a good friend yourself – try and make the effort and see what happens. Believe me, I know it isn’t easy.
I hope you are still reading Rupture. There is an F&F group every Tuesday and Thursday evening between 22.00-2300 hours UK – it would be great to ‘meet’ you in real time.
I lived with the addiction to gamble in my life for 25 years but I hadn’t a clue what it was that was the problem. You are aware and you really can change your life. I hope that talking to counselors is helping you – I found that talking to people who had ‘been there’ helped me. I took too long to wake up and do something to help myself and when I did it was hard but so worthwhile – please don’t waste your life.
Speak soon
Velvet
