Hi Redare
I have read your latest post but I want to respond to your initial post because although the addiction is the same, each person who asks for support is an individual and maybe something in my reply will resonate in a different way from all you have read.
There is no evidence to support the compulsion to gamble being hereditary regardless of what a recent rather inflammatory newspaper stated. The problem for your son has almost certainly come from learned behaviour and sadly his father is a poor role model for him.
I have heard the old chestnut that ‘I am cleverer than the other gamblers’ before and likewise in response to GA meetings ‘I am not as bad as the other people there’. It is of course delusional but he doesn’t sound ready to listen yet.
I have also heard before the response his father gave when you sought support from him and like you I find it abhorrent but at least now you know there will be no support coming from that quarter.
You did well last Sunday having what appeared to be a reasonable conversation but there obviously was nothing in your sons’ account so he is avoiding you. I think it is best when you are faced with an active CG not to believe anything they say and that way you will not be drawn in to making suggestions such as accompanying him to the bank when you don’t believe him anyway and which only exacerbates his addiction.
Is his girlfriend willing to take control of his finances? It will be difficult for her to do so but CGs who want to control their addictions often ask for such support. Unfortunately many CGs get nasty if their addiction is triggered and they ask for money to gamble which they say is rightfully theirs – she may well need support with this.
Nasty text or not you, did a brave and generous thing advising his girlfriend’s parent’s that your son has a problem – I think many parents would be grateful for a warning such as this. Maybe they are busy but in my experience many people just don’t want to know about the problem and prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist or it exists only in other people lives. Whatever the outcome you did you all you could to protect their daughter.
You are certainly not crazy.
You ask where can you go from here, well I think you are doing the right thing – you are posting here, reading other stories, gaining knowledge and learning that you are very important and not responsible for your son’s addiction.
You couldn’t protect your son from what has happened, you never stood a chance so please don’t beat yourself up. I went through thousands of ‘maybes’. ‘what ifs’, ‘if onlys’ and they didn’t make a scrap of difference. Now in control of his addiction my CG tells me that I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons but what mother doesn’t try and do things for the right reasons?
Keep posting, pop into the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00 and 21.00 UK time where we can talk in real time. I will try and answer anything you care to ask me. Maybe you could return to the Gamanon group you went to before.
Speak soon
Velvet
