Hi Red
As promised I have brought up my thread on ‘siblings’ for you – I hope it helps.
I have just written to P outlining the way of coping with the beast that is gambling but I told you I would let you know the method too, some of it will be the same as P but I do try and write uniquely to every individual.
The beast is the addiction and it is in the room every time you talk to your son. As long as you are not questioning him about his gambling or suggesting ways he could/should change he will be easier to talk to.
Conditions rarely work – my CG told me that whereas my need was for him to stop lying and hurting me, his need was to gamble. I hope the following will help you.
Imagine your son’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner, growling quietly – but never forget, it is always there and listening.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, his addiction will leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained this to me. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son really believes (whatever you say) that he is completely worthless. Because he ‘believes’ he is no good, it follows that you must be lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, you could be wasting valuable energy trying to believe that for now, while he is being heavily influenced (it appears) by another, your son will be different. I believe it would be good, although really difficult, to try and ‘not’ believe him at the moment because in doing so you will become receptive. Stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I hope the plan for this weekend goes ahead. I hope you and your son will communicate and I further hope that beneath all the bravado he is aware that his father’s way of life is not the best way, although I suggest it is best not to compare them in any way.
Children see more than parents imagine but they would struggle to see the whole picture. A child with the addiction to gamble is of course unable to communicate well – they have a terrible addiction that they feel needs to be protected but the other children are often the wreckage that accompanies the addiction – they see and they make judgements based on how it affects them and their place in the hierarchy. I think it is an incredibly difficult balancing act.
Keep posting and keep sending those texts
I wish you and all your children well
Velvet
