Hi P
I’m writing to you on the first thread that you started and suggest you stick to one thread or your journal will get lost by being split – as you can see Harry has replied to you because he thought it was your first post.
The following is a method of coping with a CG in the early stages when you are still reeling from finding out about the addiction in your home. It isn’t recommended by professionals but it has been successfully used by many members and was told to me by a CG who had changed their life.
Imagine your bf’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet. When you threaten the addictive beast by asking the sort of questions it hates, such as “where were you”, “what have you done with that money” or “what on earth makes you gamble?” the addiction beast leaps between you and controls the conversation because it is the master of threats and manipulation. You are not addicted to gambling, therefore you can think logically and rationally but once the addiction is fired up between you logic and rationality fly out of the window leaving you confused and frightened. The addiction can then blame you for the argument and turn it into a reason to gamble – because in the mind of the CG you were asking unreasonable questions – because you don’t understand.
Your partner’s addiction drastically changes reality to suit his personal perception. He didn’t ask for or want his addiction any more than you did; he will not be the man he wants to be but when the addiction is triggered and is between you, it distorts what you are you are saying and your partner speaks to you with lies and deceit because without treatment that is his only coping mechanism.
Your partner’s addiction will cause him feel a failure, he can’t walk away from a gamble until there is nothing left, which will leave him feeling worthless. The addiction has nothing to do with money – it is all to do with ‘the gamble’ – money is only the means to the end.
I think it is good to stand back and listen rather than become involved in an argument you will never win and which the addictive behaviour has instigated – the argument has no purpose other than to make you feel less in control. Once you are in the argument then the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
The positive side of refusing to play the game with a CG is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction and gives your time and energy to look after yourself. By looking after yourself you become stronger, able to reclaim your own life, cope with your children and make the right decisions with your relationship- this helps your partner too.
I will leave this here for now P and await your thoughts. Did he tell you how he got on at GA?
Keep posting – you will find as your journal increases that you will be stronger and more able to cope – but above all please look after yourself at this very important time.
Velvet
