Hi Nm
The bad feeling about your losses will disappear in time I hope because there is little point in regretting something over which you had no control. What’s gone is probably gone forever and the only thing to do is to learn from it for the future..
He might do well with meetings but I know CGs who do not need them, and do well in other ways – his mother is not correct in thinking it is the only way for him. Maybe you could tell him that you seek support here and that there is a wealth of experience on this site with CG groups and a CG forum – the beauty about this is the anonymity. If you did decide to tell him you can always have your thread made invisible and/or change your user name if it is one he would recognise. the Helpline will help you with this. The F & F groups are obviously completely private and CGs are not allowed access and you will always be welcome.
Whatever you decide to do, I would suggest caution and no rush. A CG who leaves rehab is more like a seed, brought on and nurtured into a small plant, in safe surroundings but it takes time to blossom when the real world presses in.
Imagine a person who is always late and then one day they make the supreme effort and arrive on time – if everybody passes comments like ‘did you wet the bed or something?’ the person could easily think ‘why did I bother?’ and revert to being late which didn’t get any comments. This is an extremely mild way of putting how it feels for a CG who is trying to change their life – they have made all the effort to start a new life but those around them have not changed one iota. It is hard trying to strike a balance which is why I think that listening is more important than anything else.
You did well asking him if he would like help to manage his finances and his agreement is good but again be careful not to rush at this by mentioning it too often and too quickly. Give him to think and forget worrying about what will happen in the future if he argues. When you know he is paid perhaps you could then suggest he starts the ball rolling and allows you to put his money into an account in your name but which you know is his money for food, etc. (no need to mention gambling!) There is also no need to start mentioning it 2 or 3 days ahead of when he gets paid because it suggests you are anxious and mistrusting.
Once again I have to say that the finest way that you can help him is that you look after yourself, that you do things for yourself that make you happy because there is nothing worse than a person constantly watching you to see if you are happy or gambling or spending too long playing chess.
Keep posting, I can hear you are listening and I wish you and your boyfriend well. We do have an excellent Helpline on this site which is there for you and your boyfriend if he wants to know more. Between 9am and 5pm he will probably speak to a CG who lives in control of his addition and will understand him and support him. Once again though take your time with all the information you get here.
Velvet
