Hi NicNac
I can see that you have read other threads so I am sure you will have noted that I can’t tell you what to do, all decisions have to be yours; you have to decide what is right for you. Having said that I know what it is like to play detective and I know it doesn’t feel right to be constantly doing so – it doesn’t reflect the people we know ourselves to be. When we play detective with a CG we already know deep down that we are probably not going to find something good, so we only end up making ourselves unhappy and changing nothing. Asking an active CG if he has been gambling is going to result in either (a) being told -yes he has gambled which still manages to hurt every time or (b) being told he hasn’t which we don’t believe anyway. Either way the questioner cannot win.
When your boyfriend does take the leap of faith, which we call recovery, you probably won’t know immediately, true recoveries take time to blossom but in time the change of overall behaviour will make it apparent. In other words I think it is good to ask yourself – ‘am I going to keep asking questions that just wear me out and don’t help me’ or ‘am I going to look after myself, enjoy my life without sneaking around’.
Your boyfriend cannot ‘prove’ his honesty until he has made his own choice to stop gambling and live honestly and that won’t happen regardless of how many hours you spend trying to get him to admit something he isn’t ready to admit.
I love the sound of an easy-going positive little peach and I hope you will hang on to that person because she obviously is caring and deserves a good life. I can also hear that you are not feeling happy about what his addiction is doing to you and I understand that feeling only too well.
I believe we put our faith in a loved one with a gambling addiction because we believe that in the end our love will conquer all. I do know now, without any cynicism whatsoever, that love is not enough, it cannot conquer all. In my opinion, the loved one who will survive this confusing experience has to put his/her life in the forefront of their minds which is not the way we envisage a loving relationship.
I think it is good to tell a CG when we seek help because it tells them that we are taking their addiction seriously. Does he tell you about his meetings?
I would like to give your post more thought and I will come back to you asap. I have visitors at the moment so it will probably be Saturday but I wanted to get a reply too to you fairly quickly so that you would know you have been heard and understood.
You are stronger than your boyfriend’s addiction NicNac. Well done looking for more support.
Velvet