Hi Muminafix
I am so pleased you found us and I am glad that it felt good to get it all out. You are in a forum that understands you and I look forward to supporting you through this experience which neither you nor your son wanted or asked for.
Until Monday I have little free time but I felt I had to reply to let you know that you have been heard and to mention something that jumped out at me, the fact that it has affected your marriage.
From all the experience I have had, I have found that most fathers and mothers have different attitudes to the addiction to gamble in the family – fathers generally feel they should have never allowed the state of affairs to ever happen and that mothers are too soft; mothers protect children they no longer understand and feel caught in the middle with marriage and family falling apart. So the problem becomes a 3-way conflict and if there are siblings they can also throw further worries into the mix. The addiction to gamble is divisive and, in my opinion, fathers and mothers who divide can unwittingly feed the addiction.
Time to take a breather – you have done the right thing, in my opinion, coming here. I cannot tell you what to do but if your husband is still listening I would suggest that you tell him that you have sought support and that his son’s addiction is not unknown and that he can control it with the right treatment. He is not to blame for his son’s behaviour and nor are you. It may well be that only you learn about the addiction but it is common that only one parent gains the knowledge. With knowledge you will learn to cope and make informed decisions putting you in the driving seat – and you, your husband and your son will gain from your efforts.
Do you have a Gamanon near you, this is the sister group of GA (gamblers anonymous) and it is where I found my salvation. Physically sitting with others who understand is great, being here and being anonymous is great – having the two together is even better.
Maybe you could download the gamblers anonymous 20-questions from their web- site and without anger or discussion, leave them where your son can read them – sometimes CGs (compulsive gamblers) do not realise that their problems are recognised and that they are far from alone. He may well screw them up and throw them away but hopefully he might come back later and unscrew the paper when you are not around.
I am going to leave this here although there is so much to say. I hope you will join the Friends and Family group on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours. It is private and nothing said within that group appears on the forum. You will be very welcome.
Don’t look back and wish that you had done this or that. No amount of ‘what if’s’ or ‘if onlys’ change anything. Just live for what you do today and today you have done well.
I would not be ‘talking’ to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could not be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result. Nothing you said was not known to me and yet here I am, in control of my life and happy.
Please try and keep communication open with your husband – unity against the addiction is so important even if he doesn’t want to know all the ins and outs.
Speak soon
Velvet
