Hi Monicau,
I hear you and empathize. I have been going through y own misery that is very unique. Your situation is extremely unique as well. I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you (for whatever that’s worth) that you’ve not gambled. Forget about the past. forget about the relapses anyhow long they were or took. Thinking that way will not help you at all or make you feel any better. Your situation is harder than mine in some ways. When I decided to quit gambling I was still making money. I was in the hole 20 grand but was still able to get a job. Yes, I had a back surgery and walking was very difficult, but I was still able to be in pain and work. I have nerve damage and that really stinks, but I was able to work. Having these jobs has definitely kept me grounded and helped me forget how bad of a situation I put myself in.
You are tough. That’s for sure. We are all worth the fight. Don’t let the naysayers get you down and I won’t lose faith that my nerve and back will get better. One day at a time. Don’t think about the rest… At least not for now.