Hi Meera
I am sure your post was very difficult for you to write, so well done.
What I hope to do for you is to allay the terrible battles that are raging in your head because you are definitely not responsible for your husband’s addiction and poor behaviour. I think when we are told something horrible (but untrue) about ourselves, over and over again, in the end we can begin to doubt ourselves and that is one way a manipulator wears us down.
I wish I could tell you that your husband will be safe and that he will take control of the demons that beset him but the choice to take control of his life is his and his alone – only he can save himself.
It is easy to say that giving ultimatums is not the right thing to do but when you are in the eye of the storm of addictive behaviour it often seems to be the only alternative on offer. Please don’t beat yourself up for trying something so understandable.
You have supported him by telling him that you could only go on supporting him if he sought help. You gave him the opportunity to change but he refused it.
You have stood by him through some pretty horrendous times and yet you still love him – this is not the behaviour of someone who doesn’t have compassion.
Your husband has made a choice and for the time being has left; I believe you should take this time while he is away following ‘his’ choice to re-find the person that is you, the unique person who deserves to be cared for. Take this time to regain your self-confidence and self-esteem; take this time to see family and friends, to engage in hobbies and activities that you have put on one side while you have been worrying every hour about your husband’s behaviour. Every day set time aside when thoughts of addiction are forbidden, where you can walk in the open air, see nature around you and be glad to be alive because you are not disposable; your life deserves to have joy in it.
I am going to send this now although I would like to say a lot more. I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and understood. You are in my thoughts and I will be here for you as long as you want me to be.
Speak soon and I will post to you again
Velvet
