Hi Logic
Like you i didn’t know how much support I needed until I got it and it was like an oasis in the desert – I lapped it up because for the first time in years others made sense of the experiences I had had even if it was only to say ‘that happened to me too’. The more voices that said the same thing the more I realised I was not alone. The more voices that told me how they had successfully handled the addiction in their lives the more clearly I saw the way I had to move forward to survive.
I know It isn’t the loss of money that is the problem (although It causes terrible distress and hardship) but it is the mood swings and intolerable behaviour that is hardest to deal with. It becomes easy to believe that the problem is yours because why would **** say or do these things to you. A relationship cannot be healthy when there is a lack of honesty and fighting fire with fire is probably the reaction of most F&F but it doesn’t work.
I can see a fourth way for you cope rather than sweeping it under the carpet, ignoring the issue or letting emotion take over so that you get underwhelmed and upset? It isn’t easy to do even if it is, in essence, simple and it does make a difference – it is looking after yourself more than you have been doing. It is setting time aside every day for interests, hobbies and friends that have no connection whatever to do with gambling or your partner. It is re-finding yourself and showing your partner’s addition that you are stronger than it will ever be. It is changing yourself into the rock on which he can fasten himself to stop himself sinking, or he can choose to sink while you stay strong and firm – it is giving him freedom to choose.
If those who love CGs allow themselves to be dragged down into the slough of despond with an addiction that they do not own then they will not be strong enough to survive themselves never mind being strong enough to support their CG when they determine enough is enough.
It is, as you so rightly said, a battle of wills but his will is not his own – he is controlled by an addiction that only he can change. If you stand your ground and say enough is enough for you, which is not saying that you stop caring about the man you love, then hopefully he will accept sooner, rather than later, that the responsibility of his addiction lies with him. As long as you continue with the status quo there will probably be no moving forward with your partner, in my opinion, it would be better if you took over the driving seat and moved yourself forward, showing him the way by example.
My favourite version of the Serenity prayer is .
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Please keep posting and using the group which never seems to be long enough.
Velvet
