Hi Lizzy
Whereas I agree with your husband that you should look after yourself, I fully appreciate that your parents deserve support and to this end, in my opinion, they should be informed about their grandson’s addiction.
You ask ‘how can I proceed?” and give the options that if you stop giving him money then unwittingly your mum will. I unwittingly enabled for 23 years so I do not recommend leaving vulnerable people in the dark – and by vulnerable I mean those close to your son who care about him.
I know that situations such as the one you are experiencing puts great stress on a husband and his wife but unity is the best thing for all of you and that includes your parents. The addiction to gamble is divisive and secretive and from what you say it is succeeding in your family. In my opinion a meeting between you, your husband and your parents to create a united front would be the best thing for your son and their grandson. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to tell them that you have sought help and that you would like to act on what you hear.
Did he leave home recently to live with his grandparents?
It might be that your son’s friends have turned their backs on him if he has been borrowing from them and they are aware that there is no hope for them to get their money back, it may be that he doesn’t want to return to his home town because of memories or fear of what he will find.
I am sorry you have reached the point you have but I am glad you have posted because you are understood here. The first post is the hardest to write – so well done to you.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Lizzy if i didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could be controlled but it takes a lot of courage for a CG to face his demons.
Is your son working? What other sibling does he have and are they successful in a way that maybe your son feels he is not? Do the siblings get on or has he ‘borrowed’ from them too?
You don’t have to answer questions Lizzy but it helps me to get a better picture of what is going on in your world. The F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hour UK time is completely private and nothing said in a group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
Sadly without treatment the addiction to gamble gets worse and the more people who enable the faster it grows. I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would not give him any more money. Clearing his gambling debts is wiping his slate clean so he can gamble further. I think that sadly you might have to write the £2000 off as an expensive experience.
Please keep posting – your son didn’t want or ask for his addiction anymore than you or your husband wanted it in your lives – it is an unwelcome and unwanted guest but at the moment your son is insisting it is a guest that he needs to support – but you do not have to feed it. Please also keep learning about the addiction because it will give you power over it and help you to enlighten your husband and parents.
Maybe your son is not aware that he has a problem that is recognised and for which there is a lot more support nowadays. Perhaps you could print of the gamblers anonymous 20-questions and leave them for your son to see.
Speak soon
Velvet
