Hi Lisackat
I would probably have described myself as a person who should have been able to save my CG and therefore yes – dominant and inclined to say it as I saw it. The fights went nowhere, the chats went nowhere, the pleading, loving, caring, you name it, went nowhere. The only thing that happened was that I got more and more drained and less able to cope with the rest of my life and the lives of those around me. Refusing to be dragged into a row that has no hope of a good outcome, refusing to give ultimatums that you cannot keep, refusing to allow his addiction to rule ‘your’ life as well as his, is not condoning his behaviour – it is accepting that you cannot save him and giving him the responsibility of saving himself.
Of course I hope too that your conversation of last night makes a difference and I know from my own experience that nobody can say when or why a true recovery starts. What I am sure about is that CGs need the right support to change their lives and doing it alone is so difficult, good intentions disappear within days if not minutes..
I hope you will pop into the group on Tuesday so that we can communicate in real time – your comment that your marriage has been on the rocks in others areas suggests a possible well-known problem with the addiction and one that is often not referred to on the public forum. I don’t want to make assumptions however.
I believe that it is better for you to believe that your husband meant what he said last night but not to believe that the plan will work. Every plan that fails will cause you further pain and I think you have had enough.
Knowing you have read my analogy about the beast implies you have been reading the forum posts – it is important, I think, to realise that we have had many successful outcomes but that with success comes less need to post which is as it should be. The F&F forum is a stepping stone to help you cross a winding, raging river with whirlpools, white water and weirs with only ab occasional glimpse of safety but once you reach the shore there is no need to return but sadly this means there are usually few, if any, successful recent posts.
You should have each other but your husband is lost to himself and cannot be there for you. Maybe you could leave information on local GA (gamblers anonymous) meeting, or sites such as this. Our Helpline is available to him – it is private and one-to-one and is open every week day between 09.00 and 17.00 hours UK time. Our CG groups are often run by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and he would be very welcome. If when you husband is talking calmly it might be good to suggest such groups with the sweetener that – “he has nothing to lose by making contact”. They are anonymous and he will be understood in a way that non-CGs cannot understand.
As I am in danger of ‘talking’ too much – again I will leave this post here and await further posts from you.
Velvet
