Hi Lisackat
There is no reason why you ‘should’ understand your husband’s thinking – trying to make sense of the senseless is wasted energy and you need all your energy to look after yourself and your 2 children.
Your husband lies to cover his feeling of failure. When he first gambled for fun, as so many people do with no problem, your husband was not to know that addiction was to be his outcome. The addiction is all about failure because active CGs (compulsive gamblers) cannot walk away until everything is gone leaving them feeling desolate, lonely, frightened and worthless. Lying can become almost second nature to many and with so many lies being told told their minds are clouded with them and their lies become their truth.
I don’t believe that you could have known what you signed up for unless you had seen or heard of this addiction before. An alcoholic father would not help you to see addictive gambling in the man you fell in love with.
You ask about wondering if you are giving him ‘reason’ to gamble in what you say so the following, which although not recognised professionally as a method of coping, has worked for many. Before you read it though it is important to know that you are not responsible for his gambling.
Imagine your husband’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump if it feels threatened- but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner.
The good news is that although your husband is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. Trying to lay down conditions or pleading for answers will cause the beast to leap between you and take control of the conversation, probably turning it into an argument so that you feel wrong-footed. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak- and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your husband, his addiction will distort your words, by altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
It was explained to me by a CG in control of his addiction this way. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your husband really believes he is completely worthless. Because he believes he is a failure it must follow to him that you are lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – after all why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your husband fights back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism. The gamble is his escape and so the cycle continues.
In my opinion it is better to stand back and listen when his addiction is in full spate — hopefully making it easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I know this sounds quite negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
Your husband has said that ‘no matter what he is not going to stop’ but having read the above I wonder if you think he is saying that he can see no other future because he doesn’t know any other way.
I’m going to leave this first personal reply to you there and await your thoughts. If there is anything you don’t understand or don’t agree with please always feel free to say – it took me months to get my head round the idea of the addiction at all and years to get to where I am now. I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I am writing to you. I don’t think from what your husband has said that he believes this to be so. If, as I suspect, you have tried every way you can think of to make him think differently maybe it is time to try something new.
Speak soon
Velvet
