Hi Laura,
I’m sure Vera was just typing fast and not meaning it as I took it. I’m super sensitive at times and a total pain in the butt. Vera has always been extremely supportive and kind. 🙂
Geordie was the person I got into with about the stock thing. He is also extremely kind and supportive and I appreciate him. I agree that certain things can be compulsive and bad but that doesn’t mean we need to dwell on it always. Sometimes a glass of wine is a glass of wine and not the beginning of alcoholism.
That being said none of us are experts (I could be wrong). We are all just people trying to live through this horrible struggle that we found ourselves in… Some of us longer and some of us shorter. We are all in the same family as we know how it feels… How it (being a gambler) feels….. I repeat that because only certain people know what I’m talking about. It hurts bad…”That Feeling”. You have to feel it to understand unfortunately. Similar to our backs and nerve damage. Until you know… You just don’t know… Do you?
Wow – That’s all I can say is wow… That’s major surgery on the back… Is your nerve damage motor or sensory? I have mainly motor damage and a tiny bit sensory. I can’t push up onto my toes on my right leg. My calf muscle is petty much completely gone. I had L5 S1 surgery where they took out somewhere between 30-50% of the disk. The MRI looks insane. I’m not even sure how I can walk when looking at it. This happening put everything in life into perspective. I’ve had major surgeries in the past but none of them woke me up like this. Not being able to walk is the scariest thing ever. Not gambling compared to not walking was an easy feeling to quantify.
Why are you having another surgery? Is the pain just hard core? What is the feeling that is causing that move? I’m sorry to ask but I’m just curious…. I’m so scared of the next back surgery. What happened to you that caused the first back surgery? Seems like a major surgery from an accident or something.
I really appreciate you understanding where I’m coming from. From the back stand point as well as the recovery stand point. I thank you for accepting me. I talk a big game and try to make sense of my recovery all the time. But I’m also worried all the time to not slip. I think I have such a hard stance on my beliefs because it helps me ultimately not go back to the person I used to be. That person I’m so scared of. That person that just doesn’t care. That person that is so selfish and hateful. That person that just existed but didn’t exist.
You say my postings might help others. You say that I am now an example. That is so kind of you to say and it feels good to read. But I’m not sure I am. I’m not sure anyone should listen to anything I have to say. I’m no beacon. I screwed things up for over 20 years making up BS so I could continue placing bets and dreaming of the big run. How great that was going to be. I remember every once in a while It would dawn on me that what would happen when I did hit it big…? Was I just going to quit gambling? Was I going to retire from it? The answer was always never there. I kind of pushed the thought out of my mind. Similar to the way I do with the questions – What to do about the massive piece of trash in the Atlantic Ocean? or world hunger? It was to big of a question to face so I just pushed it somewhere else in my head…
The only answer for me is not gambling. I’m not a better person for it. I’m not someone that should stand on a pedistal because I haven’t gambled. I’m a person who is fighting very hard to not feel like death everyday. Life is getting better though. I do feel I have a lot to offer.
If anyone that is in the midst of a gambling addiction is reading this I would stress that gambling puts you in a weird fog. This fog can take months to lift. You can’t see clearly in the fog. When it lifts things will become more clear. No one can say how thick your fog is but you. It will clear with time.
