Hi Katie
Unresolved issues are often the root cause of a problem but what is not a cause of your husband’s addiction to gamble is ‘you’.
Your common law husband is almost certainly belittling you to make himself feel better because his addiction makes him feel a worthless failure so he is deflecting the way he feels on to you. You are not to blame for him gambling and nor is he to blame for having an addiction to gamble – neither of you asked for or wanted this in your lives.
You are doing the right thing when you avoid conflict. His addiction is the master of manipulation and arguments give him an excuse to gamble because ‘you don’t understand him etc.’
You can manage a successful family and protect your children because you don’t own his addiction – you are stronger than his addiction even if you don’t feel like it. The best thing you can do for you, your children and your husband is look after yourself which I appreciate is very difficult while he is expecting you to manage on so little. Every day do something just for you, something that pleases you that has no connection to gambling; maybe a walk in the park making an effort to see the plants and birds that normally don’t get noticed because your mind is constantly worrying about his addiction, maybe a chat with a friend or a game with your toddler; quality time that gives you a reason to smile because hurt and anger wear you down.
I know how difficult this is and I hope you will keep posting and maybe join me in the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time.
In answer to your big question, couples do stay together but to survive healthily it is important that you take care of yourself. Sadly his addiction will get worse without treatment but there is a lot of support these days. There is no evidence that this addiction is hereditary but obviously if he encourages his chldren to follow suit then there could be a problem – you have time on your side with this however, your children are small and you are aware of the danger.
I would never suggest you stay or leave, I believe it is important to gain knowledge of the addiction because this will help you cope. I wouldn’t be writing to you if i didn’t know the addiction can be controlled but while your husband is out of control the finest thing you can do is not let ‘his’ addiction control ‘your’ life.
Velvet
