Hi Jenny
You are showing tremendous strength in the decisions that you are making and I suspect you are on the top of the mountain although maybe still puffing with your exertions. Dig deep and enjoy the view but beware of those surprising little side-winds that can catch you unawares.
I could only support you and make suggestions but I couldn’t tell you what to do, or tell you that if you ‘did this it would definitely work’ or ‘don’t do this because it will hurt less’. You have done the work and you should be proud of yourself, as you ex-husband hopefully will be in the future when he recognises the strength it took for you to refuse his addiction.
I understand what you are saying about the courts – I agree that they are a last resort if closure cannot be reached any other way to secure your daughter’s safety.
I believe that learning to live one day at a time is one of the big lessons F&F should take out of living with the addiction to gamble. Worrying about what will happen if we ‘this or that’ can stop us making decisions that are right for us. All the ‘ifs and buts’ I had about tomorrow, are long gone, swallowed up in hundreds of tomorrows and they didn’t make a scrap of difference, they only made me exhausted and unhappy..
You ex is missing out but that is not your problem. He knows what to do if he wants to be a father to his daughter and a friend to you – the time when this could happen lies in his hands and his hands alone. Sadly it is your daughter that will feel the loss more keenly than her father because it is not in her control to change the way things are, which makes your role all the more important but with the strength that you are showing I believe you will do really well.
Your text was great. You said ‘no’ but then you tempered it with ‘I can’t give you access at this time’. It was very strong message but it didn’t signal finality, you offered him hope for the future and now it is down to him.
I am pleased you found the reason for your ex to invent his police chase story but moreover that you recognised it for his addiction talking and not a personal attack on you. Of course it is unjust but I suspect the friend and his mother, whom he conned, will not be so keen to enable him in the future.
When my marriage ended, many years ago, I remember my father saying ‘don’t let bitterness ruin your life’ and I have always made sure that I carried out his wish. Bitterness is soul-destroying, it wrecks the person who feels it and not the situation that caused it. It is to be avoided at all costs because quite apart from anyything else it gives you unattractive furrows in the brow, a down-turned mouth and wrinkles where you don’t want them.
Listening to you is easy Jenny, it is you that has the hard work of rebuilding the damage caused by your experience with your ex but you are doing really well and your children have cause to be very proud of you. He can’t seen it yet but I hope one day your ex will realise how lucky he is to have had you in his life – you haven’t abandoned him but you have supported him in a way that if and when he chooses to live gamble-free will help him to be the man he wants to be. You can do no more.
Velvet
