Hi Jb
Before I write another word I have to say how well you have done with your own horrendous addiction.
I would also like to commend you on your first excellent posts which have given so much insight into your life. They must have been very, very hard for you to write but I hope that having written them down you felt relief from sharing what must seem an insurmountable problem.
Problems are like broken jigsaws JD – they lie before us in thousands of pieces and there is no way that the end picture can be seen – it is just a mess. I have chosen some of those pieces that you have recognised as being important to your whole picture and it is those I want to talk about in my first full reply to you.
“I have a good job, and have been rock solid as far as spending discipline, and not touching alcohol at all.” – How good your life should be JD– you have worked hard and you deserve more than this.
“that habit has increased to 1-2 times a week now. She has the permanent “sniffles”. – You know from your own addiction that addictions get worse unless they are treated. As she has seems to have accepted this problem, what is she doing about it? If she isn’t prepared to try and help herself then there is nothing you can do. You can’t save her but you can and in my opinion, you must, save yourself.
“ I wanted to go ahead and pay Novembers car payments(373, and 392) as well as Novembers Bankruptcy payment (485), but she insisted that we use the money to get caught up on bills. I reluctantly agreed, because it would really be nice to not have stuff shut off all the time…and we had the money to pay, gas, electric, cable, sewage, cell phones all current.”. – This was an obvious manipulation from an active CG (compulsive gambler) to keep money back to feed her addiction. If this situation occurs again, I can’t tell you what you should do, but if it was me I would insist on paying the bills while the money is accessible because it will happen again and again.
“I want to throw her out but I don’t want to push her over the edge.” It seems to me JD that it is you that is being pushed over the edge and only you can stop this happening. I would never tell you to leave or stay with your relationship but the strain you are under is tremendous.
“This is killing me and I need help.” I think you know the answer to your problem, the hard bit is doing it.
Your fiance’s unacceptable behaviour will get worse unless she gets help and if she is not willing to get that help then, I believe, you have to put yourself first and save yourself.
People can kick multi addictions and a strong support is really helpful but your girlfriend knows your situation and yet is not supporting you or seeking to change. I am of the opinion that you need all your strength to support yourself.
I’m not sure what you mean by being ‘pushed over the edge” – sometimes/often a person has to be allowed to fall before they realise that it is their responsibility to change their lives.
What do you want to do JD?. Advice is often what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t. I understand that feeling only too well. The addiction to gamble brought me to my knees and I do not have an addictive personality, it wrecked 25 years of my life and although I was a strong person it made me weak and pathetic.
I hope you will keep posting but above all I hope you will take each day at a time and control the problem that you have defeated for such long.
I salute you JD and I wish you well
Velvet