Hi ya Tina
I’ve been meaning to post to you all week but really havn’t had too much spare time.
I think Laura is spot on with what she says about the crisis assessment.
You are doing superb with regards to not gambling. But the counsellor has made her assessment on what you have told her. You’ve gambled recklessly for 18 years, have never been able to stop until now. Most addicts reach the stage where they swear it is “different this time” and of course it is, we feel we are getting our lives back, but to those who work with addicts, it is something they here time and time again. A lot of the people who claim ” it is different this time” unfortunately have some sort of relapse…..not that it is ever necessary. Of course there are also people who claim the same that do sustain a life long abstinence and recovery.
Having sunk to the depths that you were in a few weeks ago your counsellor, is ebbing on the side of caution, personally I don’t think it is such a bad idea. I’m not saying I think you’ll gamble again, BUT If you ever did how do you know you wouldn’t feel the same way. I know I did, and as I explained in a previous post the halfhearted suicide bids eventually turned into very real suicide attempts.
Tomorrow will soon become today, and then yesterday its only another day Tina I think it really would be unfair if you postponed this any longer.
Laura’s post above is typical of most peoples who have been in your place. The imagining what is going to happen or be said is far worse than actually spitting it all out. I don’t think in 8 years of using GT I’ve ever read of anybody being anything other than massively relieved to get it over with.
Maybe if your partner accepts it well you could tell him about the counsellors suggestion. He knows that you’re not mad and maybe this will underline to him just how much of a serious problem it is. It also shows him that you are actually doing something to help yourself, rather than telling him empty promises.
You done well not to gamble yesterday, but the fact that you even thought of doing it with someone else’s money underlines the value of ongoing support. Full credit to you for resisting but if you’d have been having a bad day or were badly hungover you mightn’t have been so strong.
I get where you’re coming from with regards to telling your elderly parents.
As I said in my last post the last time I told my mother I gambled was about April/May 2016. Telling her and her reaction has always been the thing that brought me to my senses. I gambled again about 4 or 5 months later and was still gambling up until a week before last Christmas, I didn’t tell her on that occasion at the time. But I know she knows now, I havn’t told her directly but have skirted around it, my mother has had a lifetime of my gambling, she knows. I’ve told you that I visualise my mother gasping for air as she did the last time I told her, when I think about gambling, I also visualise inflicting physical harm on her and my 8 year old grandson. I know that’s sick Tina but I promise you the damage that would do is on par with the damage my gambling has caused nearly every member of my immediate family.
You asked me the last time I gambled, well actually it was Feb 1st this year, I put the lottery on. That was the third time in four weeks I had done the same..no excuses I wanted to, I wanted to win some money.
However playing the lottery has not ever caused me or my family any direct harm, although I couldn’t disagree that it is gambling. And although it’s done me no harm in the past why take the risk?
Prior to that the last time I done any other sort of gambling was in the week running up to last Christmas, I don’t know the exact date and to be honest I’m not too bothered.
Recovery to me isn’t really about the number of clean days or the amount of time without gambling. To me its about the quality of those days, not the quantity. It is very very hard to come to terms with how you proceeded through life whilst gambling as you know, and getting used to life without it is also very difficult.
The guilt was a massive thorn in my side for years and years, and at times it still is. I just take comfort that I don’t do those things now. I am proud that I have changed so much, but at the same time so very disappointed I didn’t change years ago.
But you know what Tina, I really wasn’t ready before. I thought I was but no I wasn’t, I’d been lying to myself all along. If I were ready surely I would have asked somebody to hold my finances, I wouldn’t have asked friends to open up betting accounts for me to use, or ask to use their poker accounts. (i’m excluded from all poker rooms and UK bookmakers online).
Last Christmas, ((I gave you my heart)…….sorry fatigue setting in). Last Christmas I decided that this was it, this was the time I was pulling out all the stops. Since 2005 perhaps longer, I’ve said to myself, and others that I would do absolutely anything to stop gambling. But I’d always left little chinks in my armour against it, always keeping the door slightly ajar, never being able to let go 100%. 99% maybe 90% probably but never 100%. I don’t have the desire now, my barriers are there just in case, I’ve had a lifetime of addiction I know how it sneaks up on us, albeit probably with a covert invite that we cant even see.
Not this time Tina. Of course it is only ever today I worry about gambling wise. Not that I worry too much to be honest, its not bloody hard once you’ve got all the holes plugged. The last week or two I have been worried though I must admit I’ve been experiencing some big swings in my emotions. And the way I reacted to two people in recovery on this site was quite shocking to me. Thankfully I did arrange some counselling this week and feel like I’m back where I was.
With regards to your parents though Tina I feel I must say this. I agree with your reasoning and your decision not to tell them, as long as you get your partner told as a priority. But you should make a commitment to yourself that if you ever gambled again you will tell them. The thought of telling them obviously upsets you and its something you never ever want to do, it may strengthen your resilience. Maybe at some stage in the future when you’re months or years into your gamble free time you might change your mind and tell them.
Whether they ask you about it or not these days if they’ve had a belly full of it for years and years they are bound to worry about it still. It might be nice in a couple of years when you’re a new woman to tell them that you had returned to it years ago but you’ve finally given it up with good support and a lot of changes. Who knows what the future holds.?
Tina we are all unique people, but as CG’s we all have a lot of similar traits. The fact that we can even consider gambling again appears quite sick. I havn’t considered it since I last put the the lottery on thankfully. I attribute this to talking, I learned the true value of counselling during my last visit to rehab. I try not to sit with any problem, and try as much as possible not to go to bed with things on my mind..it really helps. Today’s problems could be the first step to next weeks gambling, if today’s problems mount up with tomorrow’s and then the next day’s one day next week it might be something rather trivial that acts as the straw that breaks the camels back. (Getting a flat tyre, the wrong sort of rain, being looked at in a funny way).
I’ve also noticed that a lot of our self-esteem is due to us deciding how we think we know what others think of us. I felt a worthless piece of shit for years, and I behaved like one, probably because I thought other people seen me as such, how could they see any different.
Addiction is awful as you know, but at the end of the day it is all in our mind. How we think about things how we perceive things, how we react. It is as simple as saying “NO! not today” It will always only be just for today Tina. The hardest thing for me to conquer was to believe in myself, believe I could change. Bit by bit I began to believe in myself again. Now I actually believe myself as well as believe in myself two almighty differences.
You’ve gone to some terrific lengths with your addiction Tina now its time to go to terrific lengths with your recovery.
I know you must be very apprehensive about tomorrow but please give it your all. Once you start don’t stop til its all out….don’t make your debts seem like the problem they are a consequence of the main problem. You could sort your debts out a million times it would be futile without addressing the gambling with the correct help. Of course your debts need addressing urgently but its no good trying only to fix the consequences without addressing the main issue. You know this, your partner will know this also I would think. Talk to him Tina, show him you’re working on the route cause.
I wish you well with it. Keep posting though Tina whatever happens. You’ve never gambled since you’ve been using GT, why take a chance and stop using it.
I’ve said on the forum recently, you might have seen, that I’m no expert in anything other than flucking my life up. And its true, I do have a lot of experience with gambling and lived as an addict for 35 years, I’ve been gambling free for less than a year. I made my own choices as you will make yours. We all have to, it just wouldn’t work any other way. I do sometimes come across as condescending, and sometimes I am. Very. It’s just that I can’t emphasise enough the changes I’ve had to make and how a gambling free life feels.
Once upon a time Tina, I couldn’t imagine a life without gambling, it was incomprehensible to me. My partner actually made me believe I could change, she was very straight talking, but I’ll tell you about that another time.
Any way Tina I’ve changed that much I cant imagine my life with gambling in it now. Well not today!
(When I used to say that I used to think to myself, “but maybe tomorrow or next week” I dont even think that now. Some people do I think because I know that for a long time during my previous unsuccessful recovery attempts the thought of never ever gambling again didn’t really seem achievable).
All I’ve written are my own thoughts and opinions based on my own experiences and my memory of how I was thinking at the time.
Take care.
Geordie.